No Shame (Book 2 - No Regrets)

Chapter Sixty-Four - Broken Things

KATIE'S POV

"tell someone, okay? The world is too heavy to try to shoulder it on your own." Dominick's words bounce around in my mind. I squeeze my backpack strap for courage as I cross the threshold into the classroom of my fourth period class.

Christopher is sitting at his desk, his elbow is propped up on his desk and his forehead is against his curled hand. His eyebrows are furrowed with focus as he scribbled something down on a piece of paper. I take a deep breath before heading straight to his desk. Though, he doesn't look up when I stop at his desk, I know he sees me. He lifts his head up and drops his arm off his desk. He places the piece of paper in a folder.

"Hey." I say. "Are you ready for the test next week?"

"What is happening right now?" Christopher asks, his tone isn't angry but pointed.

"Me failing at small talk." I answer, failing at easing the tension. "I... I would like to talk."

Christopher turns his head, he silently scans me with his eyes before turning back to face he front. "Does after school work?" He asks.

~~~~~~~

Christopher and I sit outside at the plastic picnic tables arranged near the front of the school. My index finger tracing the chain-link pattern of the tabletop. "I'm surprised you agreed to talk with me, grateful. Of course, just surprised. Thought you would say no."

"I was going to, but I could tell something was wrong." Christopher admits.

"Oh... well, thanks for saying yes then." I don't know where to begin, or even what to say. Even though I'd decided I would let someone in, actually following through is daunting. "I don't really know what to say."

"Katie." There's a slight irritation to his voice. "If this is just going to be the start of another go-around, can we just not?"

"This isn't some go-around, none of this has been some game. I'm trying to say something but it's really hard." I clench my fists. "Just give me time."

"I'm sorry, that was out of line. And unhelpful." His voice is softer. "Take your time, I'll listen when you're ready."

  My fists stay clench as I try to muster up the will to say the words. "Everything was falling apart." Each word has to be forced out and feels heavier to say than the last.

"What do you mean?"

"I just didn't want to look at it, for a moment. Just a little break. I didn't think... I couldn't have known... I never would have..."

Christopher gingerly reaches across the table and gently places his hand on the top one of my shaking fists. "Slow down, take a breath." His voice is soothing and warm. "What was falling apart?"

"Everything." I answer, I pull my hands away and use them to gesture. "Nothing was the way it should have been."

"I don't understand, help me understand. What's been going on?"

My body feels as if it's burning, my head is spinning. "I don't know if I can do this. I can't." I hold my head in my hands. "This was a mistake." My chest feels so tight, I am being strangled by invisible hands. By his hands. My legs are jello beneath me, I push myself up from the table.

"Katie." Christopher's mouth seems to be moving seconds ahead of his voice. He says my name again, and then again. His voice still lagging behind. "Katie!" I hear him exclaim. I don't see him say it though. By the time, I register my name, I realize I'm staring down at the ground. There's a sharp pain in my left wrist, it's only momentary. Then, I realize, I'm not standing anymore. I'm on the ground, not completely, I caught myself with my hands.