No Shame (Book 2 - No Regrets)

Chaptet Thirty-Three - Glass Wall

KATIE'S POV

   A notification of a new email from Cason Aplin arriving in my inbox greets while I'm sitting at the breakfast table. To avoid drawing unneeded attention from my parents, who are both present in the kitchen, I resist the urge to quickly close my laptop and race upstairs to my bedroom. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table across from me, casually sipping a cup of coffee as she works on her laptop. Dad is standing at the stove making himself a short stack of pancakes. A rare Sunday morning where all of us are able to spend the mornings together. Usually, Mom and I sleep in until close to noon and remain in bed for an hour or two afterwards. Meanwhile, Dad will watch the programs he recorded on the DVR earlier in the week.

I clear the notification and casually close my laptop. "Anything interesting on the internet, Champ?" Dad asks briefly glancing from the pancake he has cooking in the skillet.

"Nope. News is usually slow on Sunday mornings." I answer.

"Not always." Dad says. "I can recall a particularly hot news story that I awoke to back in," he trails off for a moment as he recalls the year, "1997, I believe." He asks Mom for confirmation, which after a quick search on the internet she is able to give.

"Okay, well on this Sunday, there is no news." I say.

"Sounds like today is off to a good start then." Dad says flipping his pancake. "Do you have plans for today?"

"Mostly rest and mentally prepare for another school week." I answer.

"Sounds like a plan. I'll be running to the store later this afternoon, I'd enjoy the company. Feels like I hardly see you." Dad says.

"Okay." I say with a smile. "It's settled then." I pick up my laptop. "Just let me know when." I leave and make my way upstairs to my bedroom. Each step closer I have to swallow down the excitement and anxiousness until I am safe behind my closed bedroom door. Once my door is shut, I fling myself on to my bed and open my laptop back up.

This is will be my fifth email from Cason, we have begun to exchange emails regularly, once every other week. I am still dancing around the edge of the endless abyss of questions I have.

All I have learned so far is that Cason and Harper continued to date on and off for a couple of years after I was born. He has gone through a total of five rehabilitation programs, falling off the wagon of sobriety multiple times, to get where he is today. He attends meetings to maintain his sobriety. He used to work as an office temp but decide to become a stay-at-home dad after Jordan, his youngest, was born.

  Cason has never mentioned fathering Dominick or his time with Ezibell. I haven't decided fully whether or not I will even mention knowing I have an older brother. I know I would never tell Cason about being raised alongside Dominick or even admit to knowing Dominick's name; because of how strongly Dominick feels toward Cason. I wonder if Cason already logically concluded and understands that Dominick wants nothing to with him; and that's why he never brings up his firstborn. Although, I entirely be painting Cason to be much more considerate than he actually is. I am constantly at war with the Cason I am getting to know and the Cason everyone else knows. One is a modern stay-at-home suburban dad; and one is an alcoholic and drug-addicted deadbeat who abandoned his children.

People can and do change. Dominick is proof of that. He went from a habitual misdemeanor committing juvenile who had little interest in anything or anyone besides himself. To cleaning himself up morally and legally while pursuing a college education to make a better future for both himself and those he loves most. His entire world revolves around the family he's made and the family that made him.

Linkon is also proof of that. He, like Cason, sobered himself up and now only has an occasional beer out with a group of friends. He began to seek help to not only heal from the trauma he carries from the past but also to move forward while being haunted by the constant reminder each day carries for him.

  Sawyer can even be used as proof. He changed for both better and worse, flip flopping between each as it suited him. He has shown himself to be as equally selfish as he is selfless. He is as warm and loving as he is cold and cruel.

All of them though, Linkon, Sawyer, and my brother, became exactly what they were always capable of becoming. The good within themselves existed in the shadow of the bad. They have the choice to rise above the mountains to feel the warmth of the light or bow down to accept the cold.

However, if Cason was all I have heard and then some, could any good exist within him? He did more than abandon his responsibilities to his partners and children. He destroyed lives. He destroyed people. Then he left, he escaped the consequences. He was a poison, an evil.

I read his email. He answered my question about if he knows anything about his genetically medical history. Aside from a couple of his relatives having diabetes, he doesn't know of any real family health issues. He confesses he is not very close with his family. He is mostly estranged from them for various reasons he does not go into. I am relieved that there seems to not be a genetic link to terminal or degenerative illness. I want to tell Dominick but I restrain myself.

I don't want to blatantly lie to him. If I told him what I have learned, he will ask where I got the information from, and I will have to lie to cover myself. By not telling him, he will never ask, and I will never have to lie to him outright.

There are moments where I wish I could confide in Dominick. Only he could understand. He is more than half my blood, he is a part of the story I have spent my life waiting to uncover.

More than anything, I wish he would forgive me if he knew. However, my brother is many great things, but forgiving is not one.

If he knew, knew I went behind his back and his wishes, the bond we took years to build would be decimated in a matter of seconds.

***AUTHOR'S NOTE***

Another chapter on-time! Yay!

I don't have much of a fun fact for this chapter, the writing process for this was uneventful. No changing the entire events of the chapter halfway. No realizations of personal connections. No music I listened to while writing. I feel weird not having a fun fact...

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