Love me Endlessly

Chapter 35-Things can't be fixed.

"Are  you going to tell me what happen now?" Mom asked as she picked out the tiny bits of glass from my hand. I winced as one put up a fight and a sharp sting came from the numb but throbbing limb. I bit my trembling lip, tears free falling from my eyes, and head hung down in shame. She let out a little sigh and dropped the tweezers she was using into the bowl that held the pieces of glass. "Ella, talk to me. What happen?"

"I..." I broke off into a small sob, turning my head away from her. "I cheated on him, mom." I croaked out and the bandaging she was doing to my hand ceased. "And I know it was wrong. God, I know. I didnn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to sleep with him. I was drunk and upset and in love. I just wasn't thinking. And it made me lose Lyric...mom...it hurts so bad knowing he's gone. But..." I paused and wiped at my face with my undamaged hand. "But it's my fault and I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I hurt him and I deserve this. I deserve to be alone."

"Hey, hey, hey." Mom cooed as I trailed off into sobs. "Don't you talk like that. No one deserves to be alone. What you did was horrible and you should be ashamed of yourself, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be alone. Honey, look at me." She said in a soft voice, using her hand to lift my face up. "You. Can. Fix. Things. Make things right."

I yanked away in overwhelming anger, pushing my seat back, and sent it flying to the ground with a loud crash. "Things can't be fixed!" I screamed. "Don't you see that! I can't make things right cause all I do is hurt people! I am a walking disaster! Everyone who has ever called me a slut or a abuser was right! I am all of those things!" I bellowed, voice cracking in many places, and hand still throbing at my side.

"Ella, calm-"

"No!" I yelled. "I will not calm down! I'm done with keeping all of this in! I'm done trying to convince myself everything will be alright. That what I do is just a phase. Or that my feelings will stop being so confusing. I. AM. DONE. Everything isn't alright. They haven't been ever since Shane came tumbling his way back in to my life. And part of me wants to blame all of this on him! God, I really do! But I can't because this is my fault. All of it is. I can't do anything without hurting someone! So yes! I deserve to be alone." I stormed over to the door, snatching up my keys, and jacket.

"Where are you going?" She asked rushing after me in motherly concern. I tugged on my jacked roughly and pulled a beanie over my head to push back my unruly hair. "Ella, where are you going?" She asked catching the tips of my fingers as I yanked open the door.

"Anywhere that doesn't constantly remind me of the two guys that I keep hurting. That's where." I snapped and stalked out, slamming the door shut. I paused at the stairs leading outside and let out a shaky breath, blinking a few tears out of my eyes. "Jesus, get over yourself." I mummbled to myself in disgust, wiped at my eyes, and stormed out of the building.

                                                                                ***

The stool next to me scraped back and I glanced in its direction to find a good looking guy smiling at me. I gave him a blank stare before adverting my attention back to my whiskey. I stared at it for a few seconds, noting that there was at least half a cup left, before downing the rest. I ignored the burning in the back of my throat and rasied my glass towards the bar tender, silently asking for another.

"Rough day?" The stranger asked once I sat the glass back down. I casted another side glance and let out a little weak laugh, shaking my head.

"Is that easy to tell?" I asked, looking over at him.

"No, I'm just good at reading people." He said with a smile and extended his hand out. "Ethan." He told me, eyeing his hand expectedly.

"Ella." I said after a while, hesitantly shaking his hand. "Nice too meet you."