Untouched Love

31

would be looking in the mirror a hundred times without makeup on, wishing I looked like those instagram models.

The following morning I woke up to my phone buzzing in my ear. Who's texting me at 9 am?

"Good morning:)" It was from Andrew. This was the first good morning text I had gotten from Andrew since the breakup. I was not expecting it at all, but needless to say it absolutely made my day.

"Good morning!" I responded.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to that bar we went to a bit ago? The one with the dogs?:p"

"Oh my gosh yes! I'd love to:) What time?" I asked with a smile.

"Well I get off work at 3, so you can come over and we can hangout for a bit then head down at 8ish?"

"Sounds good to me."

First a good morning text, then asking me out right after I just saw him? I'm not complaining, I just really wasn't expecting this...

I ended up taking a nap before getting ready.

I wore some baggy plaid patterned pants that had chains dangling from the belt loops. I paired them with a black crop top and my combat boots.

I began my drive to his house, singing and dancing to my music, just feeling heaps of happiness drape over top of me.

After I got there I ran to the front door and waited patiently for him to let me in. He had the biggest smile when he saw me...god how am I ever supposed to get over this boy. I'm sure seeing him every week didn't help at all...and yet that still didn't stop me.

We hung out in his room, talking about random things to fill the time. It was actually during this talk that I started to think in a way that I never had before. I would always get upset and my day would feel ruined if I didn't hear from him often during the day. I wanted that constant text attention, until I realised that when that happens, when you're in person there are no longer things to talk about.

There are couples out there that text a few times a day, sometimes only every 3 days.Then there are the people who text every second of each and every day. With Andrew that's what I thought I wanted. I always think that I want this constant attention until it's given to me.

My last ex would text me throughout the entire day, giving me the attention I craved, until it became too much, that's when I realised I may not want to receive what I give out. What started out great turned into 5 messages and missed calls if I hadn't replied in a few hours. It made me feel like I could no longer be my own person. I felt like I was drowning.

It took me remembering that, that I realised I don't want constant attention from Andrew. I just think I do. I really do want this to be the relationship that finally breaks all my bad habits...and I hope that while we're separated that I'll grow into the best possible version of myself.

While we laid there talking, Andrew rested his head on my lap so I played with his hair while holding his hand in the other. I started getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach that felt all too familiar...something was off.

Did he actually not get back onto those dating apps? I mean, why would he with how he's been acting towards me...but then again, this is exactly how it was before we dated. He was on the apps up until he asked me out.

I looked over at his phone...

No...don't do it. Looking through someone's phone shows that you don't trust them. I guess my trust had already felt a little broken though...

I slowly untangled our fingers that were intertwined and reached for his phone.

I unlocked his phone and took a deep breath. My heart started racing uncontrollably...as if I had already known what was about to be found.

And there it was. He got them back.

I can't explain the feeling that rushed through my body in that moment, but it was something of sickness and moments of betrayal.

My trust and respect went out the window when I opened the app to see what exactly he was saying to other women. To my surprise it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. Yes, he was still subtly flirting, but it was more low profile than had been expected.

What's this?

Andrew started a conversation with someone named Olivia. February 19th. Fucking february 19th...literally the day after he broke up with me. He told me that night that he didn't want to download them, when in reality he already had. I felt absolutely furious.

I'm guessing this Olivia girl was an old highschool friend and nothing more from how their conversation had gone...but that wasn't the point.

I looked over at him while he slept. I felt like crying and yelling all at once. I know I told him that I wished things went back to how they were before we dated...but I didn't mean like this.