Untouched Love

13

The movie was nearing the end so he grabbed his phone to check it and he it in front of my face so I could see everything, not on purpose, that's just how we were laying. That's when I saw a notification come through...from a dating app.

"Someone has liked your profile!"

It popped up and he didn't even clear it, even though I think he knew I saw it. Why was that? I have so many questions. Why is he still on dating apps? Is he still active on them and just forgot to delete it? If he knew I saw it why didn't he care or bring it up afterwards? I didn't end up bringing it up to him because at the end of the day we really aren't dating...so it's not my place. I mean, I deleted the app as soon as I started hanging out with him but I guess we were in different places.

Before too long it was already midnight and he had to head home...but something was off. He looked at me, pondering, like something was being bottled up and he didn't know how to say it.

"Um...I've been wanting to talk to you about something." He said shyly.

My heart sank. I didn't know what this was about but I imagined it wasn't going to be great news.

"I uh...I don't really know how to say it to be honest."

"Just say it how it is please..." I said nervously.

"I'm just worried that I'm leading you on."

"How do you mean?" I asked as my heart started to race.

"I just don't want you getting the wrong idea because of how I act around you. I don't want you to think or assume we're dating because I act very lovey towards you and take you on dates..."

"Well first of all, I would never assume we are dating because you've made it very clear that you are not ready for a relationship and I totally respect that. That, and you haven't actually asked me out so I wouldn't think that."

"I just have so many things to think about...like I'm not ready to date and that's not what I want right now but, you honestly make me really reconsider that because I really like you and I like talking with you and spending time with you. I'm sorry for being so confusing."

I mean honestly why aren't we dating though...I know neither of us are ready but then what are we doing? We're dating without the label, dating without the commitment of actually being in a relationship. Is that such a bad thing though? Most people might say what we're doing is toxic but I want to spend every second with him and go on dates and watch movies together even if it means I have to wait for him to mentally be committed to a relationship.

I found out he recently got out of a 4 year relationship and has only been single for a month...so I understand why he might be confused on what he wants, even if he did know he probably didn't want to jump into anything right away.

Even if I thought I was ready for a relationship with him right now, I knew mentally that I couldn't be getting into anything right now, I just wanted to enjoy his company and time for now.

"Well don't worry." I started to say. "I never did and do not think we're just dating, I just really enjoy your company."

"I do too, I'm just not used to all of this."

"All of what?" I asked with a confused look on my face.

"Not used to all this moving so fast I guess? Like when you come over it turns into 4 days instead of 1. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love all the time we've been spending together, I'm just not used to spending so much time with someone this early on is all."

I understood and respected that this isn't something that he's used to...but at the same time it made me feel a little sad because I thought all these feelings were mutual. I thought he liked spending days together because he never showed any signs of it being too much.

"Oh. Well I'm sorry for asking you to hang out so much...I probably started coming off clingy so I apologize for that, I guess I started getting a little carried away with you. In my past relationships I'm used to hanging out almost every day so this was normal to me."

"No you don't need to apologize it's really ok! I didn't mean to make you feel bad I'm just used to having more time to myself in relationships so I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just not used to it is all. This is all very new to me and it feels weird jumping into something after being with someone for 4 years. It's like I don't know how to be with someone else almost."

"It's okay, you don't need to explain yourself, I understand that this is a lot to absorb in such a short amount of time. I really respect you, don't worry."

After our talk we hugged goodbye for 5 minutes and he just stood there, staring at me. He looked into my eyes like there was a screaming thought trying to escape his lips...but of course when I asked what was going through his head, all that would come out was "nothing." Followed by a smile. Once again I left it alone and let him go. He was on his way, but after that talk it just felt off after that...

I don't know why but I just felt the vibe from him that he maybe didn't ever want to become serious with me. That, or after all of this he just wanted to be friends with benefits...and I was hoping to God that this was not the case because I really have fallen for him.

He didn't end up texting me that he got home safely like he always does, which didn't help my already spiraling thoughts.