Untouched Love

24

"So...not only did you go behind my back and do something you know I'm not comfortable with, but it was literally the day before I came here?"

"Well you were busy and I didn't want to bother you with asking for pictures."

"So instead of waiting till you saw me literally in a few hours, you decided that you just had to watch that."

He could tell that my mood had completely changed from earlier.

"Can I just ask why it bothers you so much and why it's such a big deal?"

"Ok. This has nothing to do with me being insecure or jealous. It's the fact that we're dating and I want to be enough for you sexually and when you go somewhere else seeking that, it makes me feel stupid and embarrassed. You tell me constantly that I don't have to worry about anything and that I am more than enough for you, but then you seek your needs with other women. That's why I don't like it. Because it makes me feel like I'm constantly competing and that I will never be good enough for you because I don't look like those women."

He continued to explain that I was looking too deep into the whole thing and that watching porn doesn't change how he views or feels about me, but that still wasn't the point I was trying to get across.

We talked for 2 hours that night, not just about that topic but bringing it up actually opened a lot of things. Different insecurities I had in past relationships, why it's so hard for me to trust men, why communication and trust is such a big thing for me etc.

I don't ask for a lot in relationships, this was really just my main thing, so I ask him. "So after explaining my reason behind it...are you still going to watch it." And this man hits me with "Maybe."

Unbelievable.

I was far too exhausted to continue this conversation any further, so we ended it on a somewhat good note because I don't like going to bed upset with each other.

February 16th

I woke up feeling uneasy from our conversation last night. The last thing I wanted was for me to go home today with upset feelings, so I kept things light and happy so we could keep things on a good note. I hope he isn't mad at me for whatever reason...

I grabbed my things and headed upstairs.

"Alrighty, I think I have all my things, I'm ready to head out."

He hugged me goodbye and I held on just a little longer than normal. I was scared to be very honest. I was scared that I over expressed my feelings and now he would want to leave.

"I love you..." I said with my face in his chest. I looked up and he had the biggest grin on his face, like he got giddy everytime I said that to him and I couldn't get enough of it.

"I just like hearing you say that. I like it so much. I love you too." He gave me one last squeeze before finally letting go.

I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.

Driving home I wasn't sure how I felt about how we left things. I appreciated that he sat with me for 2 hours, listening to everything I had to say, and he never once raised his voice. His calmness is what made him so easy to talk to.

Although. The fact that I literally only asked one thing of him and he couldn't even give me that in the moment really upset me. We left that topic un answered and I absolutely hated that. I just wanted to text him asking him about it...I know that's probably a bad thing to do, bringing it up not just again but literally the day after, but I just needed to know.

Let me tell you now, texting him was not a good idea at all...

"Thank you for listening to me and having a conversation about it last night, it was nice to be able to talk to you about things that bother me. Now I know it wasn't really said last night but...do you think you could please stop watching it? I'm sorry, is that too much to ask for? I really don't ask a lot of you." I sent him nervously.

"It isn't too much to ask for, and honestly I'll stop. I said everything I wanted to last night. Stopping doesn't bother me, but the fact that you don't believe me if I say you're more than enough for me does bother me. And it seems like that feeling extends to more than just porn." He replied with.

"What? No baby I swear that I know I'm enough for you, I was just saying it bothered me that you felt the need to seek pleasure from other women when you have me." I sent him 3 other messages explaining everything, making sure I made it clear because I could tell he was getting upset with me. He never ended up responding that night...and it's not like he could've fallen asleep because it was only 7 pm so I knew he had already read them.

After I got home I caught myself checking my phone every hour for a response. But it never came. Maybe he needs the night to cool off and he'll message me in the morning? One can only hope...

I barely slept that night, waking up every 2 hours to check if he messaged me.

I finally slept through most of the night and ended up sleeping in until 11. I grabbed my phone from under my pillow, knowing deep down that there was going to be no message there...and I was right. Andrew was a morning person so I knew he was already awake and starting his day. I didn't want to bother him anymore so the only thing I could do was wait.