Untouched Love

10

"Here!"

"Awesome, my room is 119, come on up:)"

I heard the knock on the door and ran up with excitement to let him in.

"Hey! Long time no see, come on in :)" I said as I held the door open.

I let him in and he sat on the bed.

I sat down beside him and talked about where we should go for a dinner date, we had eventually decided on sushi.

After some small talk we got our jackets on, because it was chilly, and headed for our sushi date. It was only a ten minute walk from my hotel so we went for a night stroll.

After arriving we got our table and looked over the menu.

"Man, everything looks so good here I don't know what I want to get!"

After looking over the menu a bit I decided on the California rolls...I know...a basic choice, but I can't help it they're so good!

We both ordered our food and just talked in the meantime.

"I really taking you out you know. Going on dates with you is honestly so much fun." He said with a big grin and a flustered look.

"Ya? Well that's good to hear because I love going places with you too, whether it be dates, just hanging out, or going on late night walks. I love it all, as long as I get to spend time with you." I said shyly while gently rubbing my thumb against his hand.

He smiled back then started playing footsie with me and we just started giggling at each other. Sometimes I wonder if we look like that annoying couple in public that's just madly in love with each other. Playing footsie under the table, kissing like every 5 minutes cause we can't get enough of each other. Although we aren't technically dating, we pretty much are just without the label. We go on dates, hold hands, cuddle, spend days together...

I honestly wish he would just ask me out, I don't know what the difference would be from what we're doing now to putting the "boyfriend girlfriend" label on us, but I'm not going to push, if he's not ready to ask the question then I'll just wait.

Because honestly, I would wait and wait for Andrew. I know it sounds cliché, but I swear to god I've never felt this way about someone before. The way he looks at me, the way he holds me like I'm the last person on earth and he just wants me to feel safe. I can talk about my problems with him and he doesn't yell or get mad, his voice is so calm that it takes all my worries away.

I'm just so terrified I will scare him away...because of my past relationships I have become someone that I really don't like. I've found messages on their phones that broke me. Words that should only be spoken to your significant other, but they were girls I knew. Girls I was always told "not to worry about" or that I was "overreacting and don't trust" them.

First there was Will. On my very first date I couldn't hold a conversation with him without his gazing eyes hooked on the waitress. Making me feel like I wasn't good enough, or pretty enough. It also made me become a jealous person, because I wished I looked like the girls that he couldn't take his eyes off of. I tried so damn hard to become confident in myself, but you have no idea how hard it is when you were never the focus or number 1 person in his life. Not even a priority.

After I finally broke up with Will I promised myself that I would try and fix all the parts of me that got twisted and pulled into the lies and hurt, but no matter how hard a tried I found myself acing the exact same way with the next one...although this time was nothing I could have prepared myself for and to this day still has me mentally broken.

Then came Ethan. I never could have prepared myself for the year of hell I was about to get into. He was a bartender, which meant I constantly worried about him flirting to get tips, and when I finally got past my thoughts and told myself to trust him and stop overthinking, that's when I came into the bar one night and caught him flirting with a group girls. Worst part was when I brought it up to him he said "I wasn't flirting, I was just being nice, you need to stop being so insecure."

So yea...

At that point I wish I ran, I wish I could have seen the red flags forming but I get too blinded by love to realize before it's too late. It got worse the longer we dated, I wasn't allowed to text guys, not even if they were just my friends, and if I did? He made me hand over my phone and he'd read every single message between the two of us and tell me if I said anything "Flirty". Even if I was just telling them things about my life, all I got told was "Why would you tell them that? That's none of their business, he's only asking that cause he probably wants to fuck you. Block him. Now."

God forbid if I ever called him insecure though...

"I'm not insecure, it's different, I've been cheated on in every relationship I've been in and I just need time to trust."

"I don't want you liking any pictures of men on social media but don't ask me to unfollow the tatted naked models I follow because I swear to god I only follow them for the tattoos, I barely even notice anything else."

I honestly laughed when he told me that one, like, how dumb do you actually think I am??