Untouched Love

11

This lasted for months, I didn't even feel like my own person anymore, I couldn't even go to the store for groceries alone because if I denied his invitation he thought I was acting suspicious and was really going to meet up with some guy.

I couldn't breath, I was completely suffocated by this relationship and I didn't know how to get out, because I knew if I tried that he would guilt trip me like he always did and make me seem like the bad guy and I'd get yelled at for hours.

So finally one day I waited until he left for work, texted him that it was over, then packed my shit and left. Now I don't agree with breaking up over text but in an unsafe situation you have to do whatever you need to get out.

I had jumped from my first ex to the next, so at this point I hadn't been single for 3 ½ years, and I really truly planned on being single for awhile but then came Peter...

Peter was different. He didn't do anything to hurt me and respected all my boundaries. We were perfect, for a year, but something changed near the end, and once again everything spiraled, except this time was a little different...

We had been living together for roughly 9 months until I got a phone call. I had been offered a job at this high end hotel that was 4 hours away from home, and they provided staff housing, which meant I would have to move out and not live with Peter anymore. Now, Peter was actually just as needy/clingy as I was, even more so if I'm being honest, so I actually wasn't too sad about the situation. We could still be together but also enjoy our personal space. But he didn't see it that way...

He thought I didn't want to be around him anymore and that I wanted to live separately so I could go hang out with guys and he'd never know. That made my blood boil when I heard that. I understood that it would be weird suddenly living apart, but I was so sick and tired of being accused that I wanted to cheat. I didn't understand why no matter who I dated, they weren't just insecure about it, but I was accused of it.

After I moved, he found a job that was 5 minutes down the road from me, so naturally, he wanted to hang out every single day. I was making so many great friends at my new job and realized that I started having more fun being social with them than I did with Peter.

I started saying no to him when he wanted to go out and went out drinking with my friends instead, mostly with my best friend I had met there, Denise.

My workplace had a pub that all the workers would go to, it was a place that I could be myself and not have to worry about relationship drama that I got constantly sucked into. I also started hanging out with my coworker Ben a lot...this is where things really went downhill.

Me and Peter started fighting daily, it didn't matter what it was about, even the tiniest thing, we were at each others throat constantly.

It got to the point where I started falling out of love with him. I started feeling this way for multiple reasons.

We wouldn't stop fighting, he started becoming very clingy which is what I thought I wanted but he crossed the line, he didn't respect my personal space, and lastly... I started catching feelings for Ben. Or so I thought.

I knew that in relationships if you really want to be with them then you'll work things out no matter how hard it got, but I couldn't take everything that was happening and he simply drove me away. I didn't feel like he was that special person for me anymore. Then there was Ben. I knew I wasn't meant to be with Peter when I started developing feelings for another man, because if I was truly in love with him then I wouldn't even turn twice for another man.

But I did.

Me and Ben started hanging out at his place and have movie nights. This is where things went bad and I still hate myself for it. I had just gotten off the phone with Peter telling him I needed space and that we should take a break. He started crying and I didn't know how to react because even though I said we need a break, I knew my full intention was to break up with him...but he had full faith that we'd work things out and get passed this.

My emotions were all over the place. I went from wanting to spend the rest of my life with Peter, to figuring out how I was going to break up with him, and maybe it was my confused feelings that bad decision the following night.

"Hey are you doing alright? You've been kind of distant." Ben texted.

"Ya I'm alright, thanks for checking in. Just dealing with some relationship stuff right now."

"Do you wanna come over later for a movie?:)" He asked.

"Ya sure! I'll head over around 7."

I should've never said yes to that night, I'm not saying it would have changed anything between me and Peter, but I still shouldn't have said yes.

I headed over to Bens and we ended up watching 2 movies before he had to head to bed because he worked the next morning.

"Ok, I'll head on out, have a good night!" I said.

"Well." Ben started to say shyly. "It is kind of late, you can just stay the night if you want." He suggested.

"Oh..uh..." It felt so wrong, and I was already feeling guilty from even just being there because Peter didn't like me around him because he was aware of my possible developing feelings.