My secret- Newtmas

20

Newt didn't say anything after that statement. But well, I didn't want to push him or something since I knew that it must have been really hard for him to tell me something like that...

"Newt, you don't really have to tell m-"

"I want to" he said in a firm voice and looked me in the eyes. I had never seen him like this... He looked sad, yet serious.. So I just nodded my head in reply

"I..." He started

Suddenly, I saw his right hand make its way to his other one. He was trembling slightly and it looked like he was digging his nails into his arm. My eyes widened as I remembered him doing exactly the same thing a couple of days ago. Is he... Self harming himself in some way...? I gulped and grabbed his left hand gently. I turned it around a bit to be met with a seriously terrifying image. His hand was covered in small wounds and scratches both fresh and new. He instantly pulled his hand away and looked at me in terror.

....How... How did I not notice this before...

I mean, I remember him doing the same thing again but... I thought he was just doing it to calm himself down.

shit.
My eyes widened even more-if that's even possible-and I got closer to Newt

"Newt you...-"

"Don't- hate me. I-I just-"

"Newt! ...I would never hate you...I lo-"

"NO! Don't say it! Don't bloody say it, Thomas! ...I don't deserve this...I don't deserve you..."

"Newt, of course you do! Why would you ever say that..?"

"...do you want to know, Tommy? Do you want to know why I did this to my arm? Do you want to know why I don't like it when people touch me? Do you want to know why I never go to 'the fire' or however the fuck you call it? ...I'm sure you have a lot of questions about me" he laughed " you always do, don't you? ..ever since you came here... All you did was ask questions..."

I didn't know what to say... I just continued staring blankly at him. There was a long pause before he started talking again

"It all started two years ago... When I first came to the Glade.
I was scared and alone... Back then it was way worse than it is now...
There was no Minho, no Chuck, no Theressa... It was only Alby, Gally, Frypan, Ben and a few others...
Unlike you, there was no one there to answer my questions as they didn't know everything themselves. But I didn't complain..
Some days passed by and I eventually got used to the whole environment. Me and Alby had started to become really good friends and he suggested the to become the second leader of the Glade. I was very exited and could almost describe myself as happy. I was currently working as a runner and that's why I knew how to get to this place and the 'plan' of killing the Griever...
Anyways, Ben and I were the only runners so we spent most of our time together which lead to me considering him somehow as my brother. Everything had eventually started to roll normally when Gally said he wanted to talk to me...
At first, I was okay with it since I thought it would be nice to get to know him because we had barely even talked this whole time. But then, he invited me to his tent. I didn't think much of it and agreed since I was quite naive at the time...
Time flew past without having us notice and I had started to take a liking in him(the friendly way). Then one day when I told him that I had better to leave, he told me he still wanted to tell me something...
he confessed to me.
He told me that he couldn't quite name it but it was something like love at first sight. I was beyond socked and went to leave when he pushed me to the wall and kissed me forcefully. I pulled away, startled, and he looked hurt. I actually felt bad for him before his expression changed into one of pure anger. He told me that I didn't have the right to reject him, his eyes wide. I started to get scared and he continued kissing me no matter how much I straggled to get him off me. Before I knew it, I was laying exhausted on the floor with him sleeping next to me. My ass felt sore and my vision was blurry. Only when I got up on my feet did I realize what happened. My eyes widened in sock. Gally had raped me.
I gathered my things and left as quickly as I could. I didn't know what I was supposed to do... I didn't know whether I should have told it to anyone. When the morning came, I made up my mind. I was going to tell it to Alby..
I was walking to his workplace when Gally stopped me. He threatened me that if I told what happened to Alby, he was going to kill everyone, with me watching and then me myself. Of course, that scared me enough to keep it a secret...
The next day, Gally to my tent while everyone was sleeping and did the same thing again. I cried and shouted but no one heard me. And again, I couldn't tell it to anyone. Then, the day after he came again. and again. and again, till I was almost used to him violating me...
But one day, he went too far. It was at the time Minho first came and he noticed how close we were starting to get... Minho became a runner as well, so we were together almost all the time everyday. He was obviously jealous and hated Minho's guts. So when the night came, I was at my bed almost waiting for Gally to rape me as usual, but when he came, he wasn't alone. For some reason, Minho was walking behind him. He was smiling and seemed exited. Gally grinned and ordered me to take out my clothes. I was socked to the bone. He was seriously going to rape me... In front of Minho? My expression was full of terror mirroring the one Minho had.
Gally repeated himself, as he got closer to me with a knife. So far, he had never brought a knife with him so I was beyond scared.
Minho was trying to reason with him but he shouted at me to do as he said. Even though I was petrified, I started taking out my clothes with my shaky hands. He took out his own clothes and started to rape me with full force, like he was some kind of animal. Minho couldn't believe in his eyes and yelled at him to stop but in vain. He started to run towards us but Gally pressed the knife he was holding at my foot. I screamed in pain and he threatened that if Minho came closer, he would kill me. He also said that he would do the same thing if Minho told it to anyone else from the Glade. When it was all over, Gally left the tent and I was left all alone with Minho... That night I told him everything. Though, all this was too much to handle in one day, so he remained silent the entire time. The next day I quitted being a runner as I obviously couldn't run anymore with a lame excuse so no one would suspect anything...
Gally continued raping me but sometimes, when he wouldn't feel in the mood, he would just leave me alone... As the days passed, I started to get somehow depressed and started self harming with the only way I could, my own hand. Minho had kept quiet and the tension between us had started to fade as we didn't talk about it anymore...  And, yeah... I guess that's why I'm afraid to be touched. Because every time someone touches me, I remember him"