Letters from sixteen

April 6th

Late nights
Although I love my time spent with closed eyes in the dream world, the late nights in my life have been infinitely valuable.
Time spent with those I love has more meaning, truth slips through our lips more than they ever could during the hours of the day.
We talk for hours about the reality of the world we live in and the endless mystery of human existence.
We talk about the things we know, the things we don't and the things we never will.
We ramble for hours about the secrets we kept from each other during the daylight.
And if not, if it's just myself alone I enjoy my late nights.
I enjoy making art I may or may not like when the sun rises.
I spend hours working on my next project.
I lie awake filled with gratitude for the life I have been given.
I love the freedom of the late nights.

Last letter
We met when we were much younger, we were the strange ones of the strange ones at school.
For many hours we spoke of fantasy and fun.
Time passed and although we were apart we came to realize we had much more in then we originally thought.
I remember the first time it was just you and me, our lives and selves had more parallels then we ever imagined.
We shared similar perspectives, experiences and pain.
You loved art just as much as I do, our families weren't all that different.
I spent much time wondering if you felt the same way, wondering if you ever would.
I know you may never see me the way I see you, but I hope someday you will.

Once again
For a while there I felt like I had lost myself.
I wasn't creative or excited anymore,
I wasn't working on any projects or obsessed with a new actor,
I felt as if I was just waiting for the days to pass until I could go to sleep.
In these past few days I feel like myself again,
I am looking forward to making art,
I am excited when I wake up in the morning.
I don't feel bothered by every passing second.
I am at peace.

Elliot
I am the loud sun shining on your face on a hot summer day.
I am the journal you write your endlessly changing thoughts in.
I am going to a coffee shop every Sunday and ordering a different drink.
I am a canvas you add a stroke to every passing day.
I am an art exhibit filled with different perspectives.
I am a book you reread and find a new meaning every time you do.
I am a sea of fish and changing tides.
I am a child's stuffed toy that's been worn down and well loved.
I am a tree that's always been there, watching you grow up.
I am a tarot card reading that felt a little too real to be just a deck of cards.

Spencer
I am a cup of coffee you drink every morning that passes.
I am a topic you learned inside and out so much so that it feels almost like a friend.
I am a bookstore filled with many different daydreams and writings.
I am a friend that you send messages of good night and good morning to every sunrise and sunset.
I am a notebook you keep all your observations of life into.
I am a mushroom growing from the dirt, from the worst of the worst, into something beautiful.
I am a lucky pen you use to capture every passing moment.
I am a book filled with black out poetry.
I am the kindness in your art when you help someone who needs it most.
I am an outfit that makes you feel like a professor from an old movie.

Silvia
I am a walk into the woods with music and the sounds of birds blasting into your ears.
I am your favorite song on repeat for days, weeks, even months at a time.
I am something you find at the thrift store that you now know you can't live without.
I am a bedroom with light green walls and drawings you made from last week to many months ago.
I am a fairy you pretended to be friends with so many years ago.
I am the sinking feeling in your stomach you get when the clock is far past midnight.
I am a light night filled with art, music, and endless poetry.
I am a four leaf clover you so happily found in the woods.
I am a shirt and necklace you made yourself that you wear every monday.
I am a drawing you spent many hours perfecting.
Willow
I am a tree that grows every summer, into shading even more of the river.
I am a thrifted shirt filled with band logos and tie dye.
I am a crystal necklace you wear around your neck.
I am a summer day you spend by the lake eating gummy worms.
I am a friend you know you can turn to when you need to be cheered up.
I am a book you've read so many times you can write word for word by memory alone.
I am a tarot card reading you feel understood by.
I am a painting of a great big sun.
I am a peaceful feeling you get as you listen to the water flow in the woods.
I am a notebook you fill with poetry to read when you get older.

Ezra
I am an old band you listen to with a sense of comfort and ease.
I am a graveyard filled with tombstones and flowers.
I am a shirt you cut up and painted yourself late one night in june.
I am writing that speaks to you a little more than it scares you.
I am the death card full of change and transformation.
I am a lucky charm you carry in your bag when you go on trips.
I am an all black outfit with a yellow smile and an orange laugh.
I am a late night you spent watching cartoons and listening to nirvana.
I am a friend you go to for a good time, and a shoulder to cry on.
I am a notebook filled with bucket lists and teenage memories.

Writing
Writing has often been both an escape and a place to let out my darkest thoughts.
The first story I wrote was in seventh grade, it was about a boy who was a witch, but only in the hours of the night.
I've written hundreds of poems since then,
And many journal entries.
Writing is a world of my own creation, a place to make any existence I wish to.
It's also a place for the thoughts that bubble up to leave my mind for a minute or two.
I tell stories of my experiences and lives I've never lived.
It's a way to look into the past and hope for the future.

Better days
I've spent much of my past troubled by many fears and low moods,
I've felt so worried that my heart felt as if it was going to fly out my chest.
I've had nights of wishing I wouldn't wake up the next morning.
I felt so tortured, and often times I didn't understand why.
But in recent days I have a sense of happiness and peace.
I'm not scared of waking up in the morning, I'm excited to.
I'm in this moment, not the past or future, in the here and now.
I've never felt quite so free.

Saturday night and sunday morning 
We sat in the car and waited for the time to pass,
We waited until we could sleep under the stars and dance in the sun.
Once we arrived to walked miles to the campaign site,
The spring sun shone down on us as a soft glow.
We set up tents and sleeping bags.
We stopped at the river and sat on the rocks.
The tree's reflection made the river look like gold.
I talked a bit, but enjoyed the moments of silence as well
We walked back and cooked our dinner,
Falling asleep far earlier than we expected to.
The sun rose and I looked at the beautiful morning sky from the tent.
Although our trip was short, it was a beautiful way to spend the weekend.

Wall of new understandings
Two summers ago I started my research wall.
I spent many hours learning and going down my endless list of topics,
I'd take messy notes and turn them into posters.
The pages covered my left wall,
They were colorful and informative.
I learned about neurotransmitters and personality types,
and about mental illness and idioms.
Soon the summer ended, I took the pages down,
And months later I'd throw them away.
Time has passed, but I am once again started a research notebook,
Hoping to recapture the joy of learning.

All we have is now
I've spent much of my life living in the past and future, nowadays I try to stay in the present.
I lived in the past by replaying my most embarrassing moments and reliving my worst mistakes.
I hoped and prayed things would be how they used to be.
I looked back behind me far more than I even realized.
I also spent much time wondering how life would be five, ten, twenty years from now,
But the truth is I'll never know until it comes.
I worried about how things would be,
But the truth is I can't know everything now.
I now try to live in the today,
I do what's in front of me with all of my mind.
Because you can't drive to the past, it only exists within memories,
And the future is close enough.
So all we have is now.

Looking back
I wish I could go back in time and tell him things got easier.
I would say life didn't feel like a chore anymore,
Nowadays I'm excited to wake up in the morning.
I'm happy to be me and be in my body.
Things don't feel like they are just on the brink of spilling over anymore.
Life just isn't as messy and doesn't have turmoil anymore.

A new perspective
I used to go to bed wishing the morning wouldn't come for me,
Looking back things have certainly changed.
I am so grateful to be me.
I am happy to have my mind full of creativity and knowledge.
I'm so lucky to have my loving family and friends.
Music sounds more beautiful, and it's always playing.
I am blessed with art and thrift stores.
I have the happiness I've always wished for.