A chapter about my struggles with sexual abuse lolz.
Big TW for CSA/SA
Yeah
The story that never ends
I wish I had better words to express how while it is true that the abuse has ended, in a very real sense it feels as if it never did.
Although I hate to admit it, I hate to say it more than anything, I am haunted by what happened to me.
I wake up from nightmares about being being touched in ways I never asked for,
I go to sleep with fear in my heart because what if it happened like it did all those other nights.
Words cannot paint the vivid sense that things will never stop feeling like this.
Slipped through the cracks
In a sense I don't blame those around me for not seeing what happened on those nights,
I had to hide it, it was my only option, there was nothing to do but wait until it was over and more through life like it never happened,
Of course they didn't notice, I can't blame them for that, but there is a deep sense of anger.
How did nobody see this?
How was I able to be so scared and not a single soul take even a second look at the kid who didn't want anyone to touch him?
How could that possibly go unnoticed?
It happened in my bedroom, in the house we all shared, and yet nobody was attuned to the abuse I was facing.
How could that ever slip through the cracks?
An unwelcome visitor
I vividly remember those nights.
I remember lying in bed wondering if it would happen again tonight.
Or pretending I wasn't awake as it did.
The night I remember most, the last time it happened in my memory, I was lying awake when I heard his footsteps.
I quickly closed my eyes and pretended that I was dreaming.
It never hurt like this before, and despite my best instincts I couldn't continue to pretend I was fast asleep, tears fell down my face, and that when the most terrifying words I'd ever heard would be said.
I still feel the fear in my heart when he threatened me if I were to tell anyone.
I still carry that fear with me.
YOU ARE READING
Letters from sixteen
PoetryA poetry book I wrote during periods of my life with many different facets. I wrote about happy moments, addiction, and trauma, the book becomes more depressing as it goes on. I choose the title "letters from sixteen" to capture how I wanted to capt...
