Letters from sixteen

My little dark age

Poems from the lowest point in my life <3
TW: CSA

Ramblings of what went unsaid
So much of my life I have been alone in a full home.
Lots of friends, the perfect family, and yet none of these people knew me.
Maybe they still don't.
Maybe it's my fault for never saying it until it's too late,
But sometimes I wished they looked a little harder.
I will never forgive them for not seeing it.
Maybe this anger will kill me, so be it.
How could that go unseen?
He visited me more than times I can count,
In that house you called a home?
You think we are a family?
He said he'd kill me, you know.
"Tell anyone and I'll fucking kill you."
I was a child.
I wasn't old enough to know differently but he was old enough to know better.
I was his toy to throw at the wall, so no I don't think I'll forgive you.
You two always said I was the crazy one.
I never was, but I guess that was easier for you, wasn't it?
Wasn't it easier to think I'm the problem?
I'm not the one who saw someone so innocent and pure only to treat that child like nothing more than any object.
You don't know what to do with me?
I don't either.
How I am supposed to live with this and live with you is beyond me.
How I am supposed to make it through these moments I don't think I know.
I'd love to make something of myself.
To be an author, to live in the woods with a pretty boy,
To be happy,
That's what I deserve.
But how has that gone so far?
I didn't see this for myself.
I never expected to be hitting my lowest alone on my bedroom floor.
You know it happened in my bed? Both of them.
I still live in this house.
You keep his photos on the wall and I sleep on my bedroom floor.
Isn't that how it's always been?
The worst part about it is that I'm always left to feel like I'm the one who needs to change.
Have you tried sleeping somewhere else?
You need to have some impulse control.
Have you asked them to take the photos down?
You need to think of us sometimes,
you people are diluted.
I kept myself quiet for years,
I nearly died with a secret,
I kept your so-called son behind glass so you didn't have to see it.
I never think of how hard this is for you?
Fuck you too.
You are not my mother and no you are not my dad.
This family of yours has been on fire since you started it.
It hurts more than anything to feel this kill my spirit.
Because I don't deserve that.
I never did.
Yet here we are.
Did you ever take a minute to think about how you told me my pain was hard for you?
My brother raped me in my own bed and you are upset?
He's not the only one who messed up.
You should know that.
But you don't.
Maybe I am empty because he took what I had and nobody seemed to care.
I'd love more than anything to hold a man's hand at my wedding.
But I can't ever do that like someone else would.
If I talk about a boy I love I wonder if you think I asked for it.
I wish my love was untainted.
I'd love to hold a beautiful boy tight, frankly I don't think I'd ever feel love like that about a woman.
But they all remind me of him.
I want to scrub him off my skin and move on,
If I could, I would,
But he lingers.
Always lingers.

Unnoticed and unseen
How didn't you see it?
The absolute terror I lived in and the nights I barely survived, you never noticed, so you never stopped it.
I was eight years old and you were my parents, for someone who I'd supposed to know claims to see everything you didn't see anything.
You didn't see years of abuse.
You didn't see my hands shaking at the dinner table.
You didn't hear me?
You didn't see it?
You're fucking sorry?
That's just not good enough.
All of it happened in that house you call a home?

I'm still finding it
Looking back on when I thought I had asked for it I'm starting to realize that I never did.
It wasn't that I was a kid or that he was supposed to be different, it's knowing that nobody deserves it.
I don't think I was supposed to feel the pain I did when I did, it was never fair and it never will be.
I am in a constant state of aching because of what lingers.
Last night I woke up in a dream and I saw him coming towards me,
I struck my wall thinking it was him.
I want peace and I'll take the bits I can find but the truth is I am still finding it.

Last nights dream
I was sitting in my old bedroom with my sister and we were laughing, the walls were still pink as they once were, things were happy.
Moments later we were in my fathers room and something wasn't right.
She moved like she wasn't human, she fumbled in ways I didn't understand.
I realized it wasn't her, and that's when he came towards me, he kept getting closer.
When I woke up for a moment I wasn't in my bedroom.
I was back where I once was and I saw him.
Terrified, I hit him as hard as I could only to realize he wasn't there at all.
As much as I'd love to move on, his touch lingers.