A chapter with a childlike touch, and a hopeful one at that.
Like I once was
Looking back on august I've realized how September has been far sunnier.
During that month I was entirely consumed by my past.
It was all I wrote about, it was all I thought about, it was the life I lived.
I was in a constant state of fear and felt as if I was rotting in this house of mine.
The truth is I was rotting, sleeping in the same bed it happened in, I ached.
But I preserved and for that I am proud.
I made myself a home, a little fort in which I can sleep soundly.
I made that police report, I rode my bike to the station and told them what must be done.
I still struggle, I still feel him when he is not there, but I am not aching and rotting like I once was.
Monofocused
I am not alone in being told and taught to dismiss my passions.
It's often people say they love excitement until it doesn't look the way they wish it did.
They adore your admiration until you can't keep still when someone speaks of it.
It's lovely until you talk about it more than anything else.
It's strange to me, the acceptability of what brings a smile to someone's face being based on what it can do for the other.
I love when someones bright light rains down on me, why bother with an umbrella, why stifle something so raw.
I was led to think my interests were abnormal in nature, too much of a one track mind and heart, but I have grown to know otherwise.
I have grown to see the beauty in my monofocused self.
I am happy to be
In recent months it seems my sorrows have become consuming,
Consumed by fear and grief, by hurt and numbness, I spent many days aching.
I found happiness, but in strange places and maladaptive ways.
My mind was flooded with what it couldn't produce by itself, and I needed that, I still do, but happiness is something I am capable of without the warm feeling.
I am for the first time in a very long time happy without being intoxicated.
I didn't have to bite my cheek and clench my hands to be sober at two in the afternoon, I am happy to be.
YOU ARE READING
Letters from sixteen
PoetryA poetry book I wrote during periods of my life with many different facets. I wrote about happy moments, addiction, and trauma, the book becomes more depressing as it goes on. I choose the title "letters from sixteen" to capture how I wanted to capt...
