Letters from sixteen

The district sleeps alone tonight

A fictional love story based on the song "the district sleeps alone tonight" by the postal Service.
Tw: addiction

What's buried beneath
I remember what was there before I had the words for it.
When I was young I would wonder why my friends didn't feel the same way I did.
I didn't understand what I felt, why I wanted to kiss him and why kissing her felt like I had done something I wish I hadn't.
I remember when I met him.
If only I knew the summers and eventual winters that were paved ahead of us.
I had dreams about him before I even knew his last name.
I wanted to hold his hand and kiss him like a girl, but he wasn't one.
I remembered the moment I realized what I was experiencing.
I buried that truth with my happiness.
Why would I ever let myself do otherwise?

I am not permanent
Despite the warm feeling down my throat I will never forget that night.
We were just boys sneaking out my room's low window and when we came back I was staring at those bright eyes of yours.
I wondered how I knew you for so long your eyes had only been this beautiful tonight.
We sat on my bed and I stared at you, I wanted to say something, anything, I wanted you to see me for what I was but I was beyond frightened for those bright eyes to rest on me.
Moments past, and soon you leaned in.
This wasn't like kissing her, this wasn't like anything I'd ever experienced.
I loved it, this was one of the best moments of my entire life.
Yet I pulled back, I stared at you and a tear fell down my cheek.
"This is wrong, we can't do this, this isn't right, I love you but this isn't right."
Why would I ever let this last?

The only thing
Those nights we'd slip through my bedroom ended because there was no reason to leave.
There was no reason for me to leave you.
I'd never felt closer to another.
Finally I can be seen, finally those bright eyes can stare at me and see what I see.
The relief I felt when we were alone was above anything words could capture.
I could take off the paint and stop worrying about being the gay boy, I could just be.
It wasn't about the kissing, it wasn't about that at all.
It was about someone seeing what I was and not saying anything but I love you too.
Why would I ever want this to end?

Into the loneliest evening
I remember you expressed concern when you realized that my drinking didn't end when sneaking out the window did.
I assured you it was nothing, really, nothing at all.
That's when I became truly alone.
Because before we had each other to tell everything to, and now I lied to you and didn't know why.
At first It was because I didn't want to worry you, maybe I could just leave it out so you wouldn't say anything, it's not like I was doing anything wrong.
I shoved it to the back of my mind.
Why would I ever let this tear us apart?

I am finally seeing
If only I could pinpoint the moment I knew something was wrong.
It was buried under bottles and fuzzy memories.
I realized that you were right.
Maybe it was when I woke up shaking,
or when I realized how long it had been,
Maybe it was when I realized you hadn't the slightest clue, you, the person who knew everything, had not seen this in me, at least not yet.
Why would I ever let myself get this bad?

I was the one worth leaving
I used to keep my bottles hidden in the top cabinet.
I'd step away and have some before bed, just enough to be okay for the hours ahead.
The night grew late and I left for a moment as I always did.
If only I knew.
I opened that white cabinet and pulled down the bottle.
I stared at it like I always did, like I was deciding, as if the answer was ever to put it up without taking a sip.
I turned it up and felt the warm trickle down my throat.
I sat and rested my head on my knees, like the scared child I was.
I'd soon realized you weren't asleep, you looked at me, and without a word packed your bags and left.
I cried, I screamed, I begged you to stay.
But I was the one worth leaving.