Another (wow) chapter about the SA. My man (me) is going through it at the moment. This will likely be the last chapter (or close to it) because I'm wanting to make a book for those who have shared experiences.
Too many pages
I'm so tired of writing about this.
I'm beyond exhausted of having my mind filled with the past.
It's the first thing I think about in the morning, and the lady thing I think about before going to bed.
I remember the ways he touched me.
Sometimes it hurts in the way it did back then.
Some days I ache in the way I did on those nights.
These memories of feeling so alone and used haunt me to my very core.
I would do anything to be free from something I wish never happened.
I hate the amount of pain in these pages.
Day and night
My childhood outlines the phrase day and night in a way nothing else quite could.
Those days were filled with backpacks filled with new crayons and teddy bears.
In October I'd spend my birthdays watching movies about kids at the beach and having weddings for my dolls.
On many nights I'd wake up to hands being where they shouldn't be.
I'd spend those nights afraid because what if it happens again tonight?
It wasn't a pretty sight even with my eyes closed..
The horrors of those nights don't take away the blooming flowers of those days and those beautiful days don't take away the pain of those nights.
I feel like I'm drowning
I feel like I'm drowning in a mess of memories.
Memories of having clothes pulled off me.
Memories of being terrified to the extent that I did not believe a tomorrow was ahead of me.
Memories of pain I couldn't keep quiet anymore but did anyways.
Memories of tears streaming down my face.
I feel like I'm drowning in a fog so thick I can't see my own hands.
I don't feel connected to the world around me; I am simply floating through space and time.
I don't remember what happened tomorrow, let alone last week.
There is no sense stronger than the disconnect.
I feel like I'm drowning under a sea of leaves.
The leaves of anger because how could this happen for so long and go unseen.
Leaves of depression because so much was taken away from me.
Leaves of confusion because how could someone hurt someone so pure and small.
It does get easier, I know the days will add up into a life worthwhile,
But for now I am lost.
Growing towards the sun
During difficult times I must remind myself that every step forward is a step closer to the sun.
Every moment I recognize the abuse I am dropping my roots further into the ground because they know they are safe.
Every time I share my story my trunk grows stronger because he knows I don't have to hide anymore.
Every step I take to remind myself that the world isn't as unsafe as it once was I grow closer to the light above me.
YOU ARE READING
Letters from sixteen
PoetryA poetry book I wrote during periods of my life with many different facets. I wrote about happy moments, addiction, and trauma, the book becomes more depressing as it goes on. I choose the title "letters from sixteen" to capture how I wanted to capt...
