That I would be your Girl - A Marvel Story

Chapter 3. Numb

A/N Here is another I'm impressing myself here with the fast updates. **CW** Depiction of panic attacks and depression. Stay safe folks. 🖤🖤🖤

Bucky POV

My head was buzzing like there was a beehive nesting inside my head, I had to get out of that room. I had to get away from her.

I should have known.

I should have recognized those eyes.

Those haunting green eyes.

Eyes that followed me wherever I went, those eyes belonging to that girl who died in my arms... that girl was in that room...

Those eyes they used against me when I was the soldier, they told me it was the only way to save her...

I never knew her name...

Evelyn.

Evelyn.

Evelyn.

Why did I never learn it?

I could have saved her...

I did in another world but here was too weak...

Not worthy.

I had gone to her funeral. I stood at the back of the church and watched her mother get carried out and taken to the hospital.

Steve never knew the half of it, I didn't want him to feel bad about what happened, I knew he would feel like it was his fault that it happened.

    My heart was pounding erratically in my chest, and I felt like my skin was too tight across my bones. I pressed the button of the elevator doors roughly. I didn't even recall leaving the apartment.

    It was taking too long.

    I opened the door to the stairwell when I heard Steve come up behind me.

    Fuck.

    He was the last person I wanted to talk to right now.

    "Buck," he called after me but ignoring him I moved into the stairwell, choosing up rather than down taking the stairs two at a time.

    "Buck!" he called louder this time.

    "Not now Steve." I replied, my voice tight as I tried to quell the panic attack that was practically bursting from my skin.

    He followed me up the stairs silently after that and when I got to the top to find the door locked, Steve reached around me twisting the handle in his own hand breaking the lock, the doorknob twisted metal beneath his grip. The bright sun burned my eyes, a blast of wind blew all around us rustling my jacket and pushing my hair out of my eyes.

I stepped out onto the roof.

    I stood at the edge of the apartment. An apartment that had been owned by Tony Stark. Pepper had given access to those of us who needed a place to stay after the blip because most of us had trouble finding places to stay. Steve had a place here too, although after today I hadn't expected him to come back.

    A part of me was relieved because that meant I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only one left to remember that ice cream shop that used to be down the street. The one that sold the best chocolate cone this side of the Atlantic. It meant that I had someone else who knew what I had gone through. Someone who had an ounce of sympathy for me rather than just expecting me to be able to carry on with my life like I should be thrilled I was still alive.

    Sometimes that was farthest from the truth.

    "Buck?" Steve's voice was a whisper, like he knew what I was thinking, and I turned my empty gaze from the city scape to him. His eyes were trained on me a line between his brows meant that he was worried for me.