Don't Know How to Feel.

45. Distractions after the Acceptations

The air was still, contrasting to all of the thoughts darting across his mind as he sank into the bed. The day had barely begun and he had already found himself lost in a confusing pile of feelings and thoughts.

Quackity sighed, trying to focus his thoughts on one thing at a time as he pinched his nose bridge like he was trying to stave off a headache.

"Ok," he muttered to himself, now aimlessly messing with the sheets of his bed as he sat up. A glance around the room and he felt a bit better like he could properly sort out his racing mind.

'So...' he trailed off as his thoughts travelled elsewhere, the easier path. To ignore the heap of feelings piling up inside of him, to continue to think that he had changed and was better now. But maybe not as much as he hoped to be. After all, Quackity hurt Wilbur- despite the times when he'd stubbornly but eventually, admit to himself how much he cared for Wilbur. Despite that, he hurt Wilbur.

'An apology.' That seemed like a start, a way to try and make things better. 'But what about after?'

That was another question Quackity had. Did he apologise and the two continued on like it almost never happened, or do things change- and in what way? That made Quackity concerned about what he called his own selfish way. Too worried and concerned about what would happen after his apology to give it.

And then he has all of these emotions to deal with as well. Frustration, that was a big one and it was directed towards himself. Frustrated that he managed to fix things with Karl and Sapnap but couldn't manage to keep things right with Wilbur.

It seemed like there was a taunting timer, waiting until the two would slip out again. And this time- and the time before, it had been Quackity's fault. His lack of handling emotions properly- fears of the future- and just his stubborn nature. 'But I can change- like I did with Karl and Sapnap.'

But there were these new feelings Quackity wasn't too sure of, they were there, definitely. But many it was just his mind thinking of a reason for why he cared so much. Because running a country will do that to you, leaving you wanting a reason for almost everything that happens and even each emotion you feel.

The way his hands felt clammy, or when he bit his lip, the flustered anxious behaviour he put on. All because of Wilbur Soot. There had to be a reason for all of it, whether Quackity would like the reason or not.

So what was the reason why he cared so much about Wilbur? Caring about the man but never being able to say it straight to his face before he got too nervous and stubborn to try? Or trying to continue their arguments- big or small- just out of worry that Wilbur wouldn't want to be around him without the arguing?

Quackity bit his cheek. That worry of his- trying to keep Wilbur close- ended up hurting him. He hurt Wilbur and got caught up in believing that he had changed- keeping Wilbur around, that he didn't even notice what he was doing until the damage was done. And so guilt pierced through him, making him feel hallow as he sat in his bed. Guilty because he cared.

Quackity cared because Quackity loved. He loved Wilbur- so fucking much and so fucking scared that he'd lose him that he ended up hurting him. 'Great- I'm so great. And awful...'

And it wasn't the love you'd have for a friend- most definitely not. Quackity knew that, it made him look like an even bigger fool- in his such kind and reasonable opinion. Hurting somebody he loved- the one person that made his heart burn with a passion he hoped was returned, hurting them was a shit move and a dumb thing to do.

'Well, Prime- I'm an idiot.' He wiped a tear before it could fall any further, finding it a bit unneeded from himself, he wasn't the one that got hurt here. 'An idiot that owes an apology.'