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James

By the time I got back to the compartment where Lily is waiting for me, I must've looked like a mess. She glances up at me when I open the door and her face gives away how I look because concern floods her face. 

"What happened? You look worse than you did before you left." Lily asks me lightly. I can tell she's trying to joke around a little to ease some of the tension. 

"Oh, you know. I had a panic attack and then out of all people to find me, Barty found me and calmed me down. On top of that, of course Sirius came across us and thought Barty was hurting me or something so he jumped in and nearly started a fight in the middle of the train. And if you thought it couldn't get better, Regulus stepped out of the compartment and we had a moment. Now Sirius knows about us and I- fuck. Everything is so fucked." 

"You were only gone for like 45 minutes... How does that much happen so fast?" Lily asks me. 

"Bad luck?" I suggest and she laughs softly. The kind of laugh that makes you feel lighter. 

"Is Sirius mad?" Lily asks me, and I can hear the hesitation in her voice. She knows Sirius and I really well and obviously knows that I care about what he thinks. 

"He's trying really hard not to be mad, to be more understanding because he knows how much pain we're both in over this. I can tell it's hard for him to be so relaxed about this, and poor Moony is going to get an ear full later but at least he's being decent to me about it." 

"I guess it's good that he's trying to be understanding. We both know how dramatic he tends to be." Lily says, then she pauses. Like she wants to say something, but doesn't know if she should. Then she decides to say it. "I'm not going to lie to you James, I'm very surprised that you and Regulus are- were together. When you stopped going after me, it really confused me." 

Now it's my turn to be confused. Lily was thrown off by me not going after her every day? Why?

"I thought you would've felt relieved. Honestly, I was a bit much." I say and then laugh to myself. "Regulus would always make fun of me about it too."

"You asked me out last year and I said yes, James."

"I thought it was more that you were tired of me asking so you finally gave in. That's how Marls said it was." 

"If I'm being honest, I think I told myself that I said yes so you would stop bugging me.. but when you stopped trying, it bugged me. The girls and your friends always joking around that you moved on with someone new.. it really bugged me. I would never admit it then, but at some point I fell for you too." 

I frown. I had no idea Lily felt that way about me. The entire time I was with Reg, she was feeling jealous and sad. I had no idea... and lately I've been so horrible to her. 

"I'm so sorry, I was horrible to you and you didn't deserve that at all." I say to her and I really do mean it. 

"Don't worry about it, James. We were both going through our own shit.. and you know, maybe it's not our time. You should be with Regulus, or at least find a way to be with him or move on. Work on yourself for a little while." Lily says sadly, "The truth is, when we got together, we both just needed the distraction." 

Distraction. 

We were a distraction for me from everything that was going on with Regulus and I. Lily thinks I thought of her as a distraction?

She used me as a distraction? From what? 

"I didn't use you as a distraction, Lily. I liked you. I thought I could make us work. I really tried." 

"You might have liked me, James.. but you were in love with Regulus the entire time. Just because you tried to make us work doesn't mean I wasn't the distraction." 

"I know what I was feeling, and everything was real with you. Sure, I love Regulus. I will always love him but I knew I liked you too and I wanted to push those feelings forward and the ones for Regulus back."

"It doesn't work that way, James."

"Well, obviously. That's why we aren't working anymore." I say, a little more harshly than I meant to. 

"Maybe we should just end this now. I don't know if I want to know more of the story with you and Regulus. I don't thin I need to know. We both know we're just wasting time here." 

"Fine, yeah. We're just wasting time. We might as well just call it quits and move on." 

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Goodbye, James." 

"Bye, Lily." I say. She gets up from her seat and opens the compartment door. Without turning around to look at me, she walks out and the door slams behind her. 

I guess I've lost them both now.