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James

I never realised how close we all were to each other until I lost the two most important people. Well, besides Sirius, Remus and Peter. 

Everywhere I turn, Lily or Regulus is right there. I can't escape them, and i'm sure they feel the same way about me and maybe even each other. They both know about each other so I'm sure seeing each other is just another reminder. Maybe it doesn't bother them at all. Maybe it's just me. 

Marlene and Mary have been giving me mixed signals about how they feel about Lily and I breaking up. I can't tell if they're mad at me because of however Lily told the story, or if they are mad because we both seemed so in love with each other and now Lily's hurting. 

I don't even know if Lily is hurting. 

I barely see her for longer than a few moments or when we're in class but she never looks at me. 

Regulus usually wears a mask to hide whatever he's feeling but I know him too well. I see right through his mask now and can read him like a book. He knows it too, and he hates it. 

I hate it too. 

I don't want to know that it's killing him. I'd rather think that this is what he wants. That he's happier now that I'm gone. That I'm not with him. I'd like to think he's better off but every time I see him, it's written all over his face. 

Seeing him like that kills me. Sirius sees it. Remus sees it. Peter sees it. I bet even Marlene and Mary see it. 

Apparently even McGonagall sees it because we're in her class right now and she's leaning down so only I can hear what she's about to say. 

She whispers, "Is everything alright with you James? You seem to be less cheery as usual." 

Somehow it bothers me that she can tell. Out of everyone who can probably tell somethings wrong, I want her to see me the same. I want her to see me as the funny, cheery, happy student who makes jokes and talks through her lessons. Now that she sees that something is wrong, it bothers me.

I can't lie to her either. 

"Break ups." I tell her. 

"You and Mr. Black?" She asks me, and it shocks me. I wasn't aware anyone knew about us except for the people we told. We definitely didn't tell any Professors. 

"How did you-"

"Please, I see things." She smiles. 

"Well, yeah him and I broke up last year. I was actually with Lily for a while but we broke up on the way here." 

"Merlin James." She says to me. "Keep your head up. It will get better." 

A few moments later she gave me detention for not paying attention, which was weird. She knew exactly why I wasn't paying attention. She knows... so now i'm lost. 

Sirius snickers at me for getting detention, making jokes that I should just pay attention or I'll be spending my entire year in detention. 

At least if I'm in detention, I won't run into Regulus or Lily. They never get detention. 

It's only been a few days since I've been back to school but just walking by the astronomy tower or the lake or even the library bring up memories. Memories I don't want to relive. 

Not so much with Lily... because it always sort of felt the same with Lily. We've always been good friends and hopefully we'll go back to that... but with Regulus, everything felt different.