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Too Far

Then

Regulus 

The room is warmer than usual when I wake up and for a moment, I wonder what Barty did this time. He does these little experiments that always fail and fuck up our room for a little while. I open my eyes and see red curtains, and that's when it hits me. This is James' room. James' bed. 

His arm is around my waist. We slept like that. Oh no. I've gone too far. 

I can't be with him. Not when my mother is making me become one of them. She's been telling me that the time is coming up soon and I need to be ready. 

When the time comes, I can't be anywhere near James. I can't do that to him. He deserves so much better than that. 

This was too far. 

He can't go back after literally sleeping in his bed. Why would he do this? How could he be so stupid? 

I don't know how to get out of this now. He's asleep still, but the moment I move, he'll wake up because his arm is around my waist. I could wait for him to get up, but Merlin knows how long that will take. I could pretend that everything is fine until I get out of the dorm and away so he doesn't panic. I don't want to see him cry. 

I don't want him to see me cry. Not when it's technically my decision to end things. 

Fuck. I need to talk to Barty and Evan. They would know what to do here, and they'll tell it to me straight. 

I feel James stir behind me and take a deep breathe. I don't know what to do but I have to make a decision fast. 

"Good morning, love." James whispers and fuck me, his morning voice. He tightens his grip around me and pulls me closer to him, hugging me tight. 

"Morning, James." I reply and lean against him, allowing myself to have this moment. This might be the last time this happens, and I want to remember it as a happy moment. Even if it fucking hurts. 

James must've noticed my mood because he sat up and put his face right on mine, obviously trying to make me feel better. "Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine, James." 

"No, you're not. Something's bothering you." 

"James, please. I'm okay... for now just leave it. Please," I beg him. I just want the moment. 

"Alright-" James mutters, but he doesn't let me go. I don't want him to let go, not yet. "For now, we will just cuddle." 

"I like that idea," I mumble quietly but I know James' mind is racing now and he's not going to just let it go. 

We lay there for a long time, so long that we miss the first class and James suggests that we get going before Sirius comes back to see what's taking so long. I groan and bury my head in his chest again and he laughs. His soft, beautiful laugh. 

"Okay, let's go." James says as he pushes me off of him and gets out of bed. "You do not want Sirius coming in here and seeing us together, do you?"

"Maybe," I say jokingly, mostly because I liked just laying there. 

"You say that now, but I know you. The moment he comes in, you'd be in full panic mode. Come on, get dressed."  

"I don't know if you remember this, but I don't have a change of clothes here." I say to him as I stand up in yesterday's clothes. I have my robes but nothing to wear under it. James just nods his head as he smirks at me. 

"Don't worry, I didn't forget." James says happily as he holds up a shirt. His shirt. 

"Are you kidding? Don't you think your friends will recognise it?" I ask him but he's still smiling. 

"We have an excuse for that, Reg. You spent the night in my room and we slept in so you didn't have time to go back and get new clothes." James explains to me and he's almost giddy. 

"Fine, give me the shirt." I say and he throws me the shirt. 

"Merlin, I'm going to enjoy knowing that you're wearing my shirt all day." James laughs and sits back down on his bed while I change. 

"Oh yeah?" I ask and curse myself mentally. This is not how you break things off with someone. Merlin, I'm digging the hole so much deeper.

"Yeah, you have no idea." he says as he comes closer to me and pulls me in for a kiss. Yeah, this is definitely not how you end things with someone. I can't seem to help it though. James is my weakness, I think. 

James pulls away but he's still smiling when I open my eyes. Merlin, I'm so bad at this. How am I supposed to distance myself when it really counts if I can't even do it now? 

"Okay, let's go. We don't want to miss any more classes." James tells me and I give him that look that says I don't mind missing some more classes. He nods his head,  but there's no chance of him agreeing. Not when we both know Sirius is coming in any minute because we missed a class. He's going to be confused and probably annoyed that we're alone together still. 

Once we left the dorm, we both went our separate ways and that was it. I decided that I have to stay away from him, for his own good. 

Definitely not for my own good.

I have to protect him though. Protect him from my mother, from my family and from the dark lord and his little death eaters. 

-

James

Something's off with Regulus and I noticed it the moment I woke up this morning. He tries to play it off as nothing, but I know he's not okay. Something's really bothering him and I can't figure out what it is. 

I let him take one of my shirts, that way even if he gets distant for a bit, he'll know I'm still here. 

It makes me feel so guilty. That I let him leave without knowing what really happened. He was okay for a while, and I know he's got a lot going on in his life. There will be days where he can't even talk because of everything he's got going on in his life. I wish I could help him with it. 

I'm not going to let him just push me away though. It doesn't matter what he's got going on, it doesn't matter that he thinks I'm better off, I can't and won't let him go.

I love him, and I know we're meant to be together. I don't care if it's not safe or not smart. I'll give him his space, of course. I know he needs it, and space is important... but I will never let him go completely.

I can't.

Merlin, he's probably telling his friends that he has to end things and they're going to agree. 

They all have this theory stuck in his head that they're dangerous and they have to push everyone away to keep them safe. Fucking incredible how they think we all can't take care of ourselves, how they have this idea so far in their head, and you can't talk then out of it. 

I wish I could, but unfortunately I'm close with Sirius so I know how it goes. You try and tell him that it's not like he thinks it is, and he freaks out on you because it's so far in his head. 

It's frustrating. 

But the same way I won't leave Sirius and won't let him push me away completely when he goes through these moods, I won't let Regulus go either. 

No matter how hard he tries.