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James

Lily has made it her mission to help me feel better and hasn't left my side since she found me sitting on the ground, mid panic. I don't mind the company but it's not going to make me feel any better. She's great, but I just want to be around Regulus.

We're in the great hall, but the guys aren't here yet and neither are Lily's friends. It's just us.

Barty and Evan walk in, followed by Pandora and Regulus and I tense up. Lily doesn't notice me tense up or the fact that they walked in. She's talking about the game next week and how she doesn't understand how Dumbledore won't cancel the game. The weather is supposed to be shitty that day.

Regulus' eyes meet mine and he notices me sitting alone with Lily. He looks away and whispers something to his friends. They turn around and look at me, and Barty shakes his head. I want to go over and tell him it's nothing. I need him to know she's just being a friend to me, nothing more.

I love him. No one else.

"James... are you even listening to me right now?" Lily asks me when she notices i'm not really paying attention to her. "Are you okay?"

"Sorry," I say and shake my head. "I got distracted."

"I don't know who the girl is, James, but I know you. You're so strong and everyone knows it."

"I can't- Lily you don't understand..."

"Help me understand," Lily says to me and I was about to but that's when Sirius, Peter and Remus join us. I shake my head and look away from Lily. I'm not going to talk to her about this in front of them. Not right now.

I'm not ready to tell them, especially since Remus knows who it is. He'll give me the 'I told you so' look.

I'm not ready for that and I don't think I can handle it right now either.

A conversation begins when they sit down at the table, but I'm too focused on everything else going on in my head.

"James? What's going on with you?" Sirius asks me when he notices I'm not involved in whatever conversation is happening around me. They're so used to me being happy and outgoing, and I know this must be unsettling but I can't pretend when I feel this bad.

"Nothing- not enough sleep." I lie to him. I hate lying to him, but I don't know what else to do.

"Liar," Sirius mutters but I shrug my shoulders. I know they want to help, but the truth is, they can't. Not right now. Not with this.

I feel the panic again so I stand up, muttering that I'll be right back and then I walk out of the great hall. Passing the Slytherin table was hard, especially since I can't breathe and I probably look insane to most of them right now. I don't even bother looking over.

Once I'm out of the hall, I lean against the wall and tell myself to breathe. Control the breathing, try and slow it down. It's all I can do.

It doesn't work, but I keep trying until it eventually works and I'm breathing more steady.

Breathe in and out, calm yourself down.

It's not forever.

Barty had said that. He told him that even though Reg probably didn't want me to know that.

No one follows me out into the hall this time. I'm alone, and that's probably for the best because even though I've calmed down, I don't feel very good. I think I just want to go back to the dorm and lay down for a while.

I push myself off of the floor and start walking towards the dorm. Once I'm there, I walk to the dorm without saying a word to anyone who's still there. I shut the door and lay down in bed where I end up staying the rest of the day, unable to motivate myself to get up.

I hear the boys come into the room, I hear them whispering to each other because they're concerned, I hear when they try and talk to me but I don't answer. I just lay there and let everything move around me. 

This feels like too much. The fact that he was mine yesterday but something changed, and now I have to be okay with us being apart. I have to see him every day. He's my best friends brother, Merlin. Even if they're not close, at some point they could be, and now I have to be okay with seeing him.

Even if I choose to believe what Barty told me, that this isn't forever, it still hurts. I have chosen to believe him, though. I have to believe him. It's the only way i'll make it to the past this. 

- 

The next morning, I push myself out of bed and force myself to go to class. At the very least, I don't need to fall behind in classes. My mother would come down here and quite literally murder me if she found out I was failing. Especially when she knows I'm capable of doing well in my classes. She always told me to at least try, and staying in my room all day is not trying. 

I skip breakfast though, because I don't want to have to see Regulus that close and watch him smile and joke around with his friends. 

Even if it's an act on his part, I can't handle it. 

Sirius and Peter were happy when they saw me come out of the Gryffindor tower and join them for classes, but Remus wasn't too thrilled. 

Not about me being there, but he knows something's wrong, and unlike the other two...he has a good idea of what happened. 

I avoid his eyes and don't give him any chances to ask questions. To be fair, I'm avoiding everyone's questions. 

I do not want to, nor can I talk about it with anyone. Remus, I can probably talk to but I don't want to say it out loud. 

Barty I can but he's always busy with Regulus, and again, I'm too drained to talk about it. 

We make it to Slughorn's class which... unfortunately is with the Slytherins. To make things worse, I completely forgot that this is the class that's mixed grades because... I don't know. It was some kind of experiment of Slughorn's.. so Regulus and Evan are in this class. Barty is not, which is even worse. It might be less... tense with him here. 

I walk in after all the boys and avoid making eye contact with anyone as I sit down next to Sirius. Remus and Pete sit behind us. 

"James..." Sirius begins, but I shake my head and look down at my feet, fighting back the emotions. "No, I know you don't want to talk right now and that's okay. You're clearly struggling but I have to say it..."

There was a pause, and the two of us just sat in it for a moment. Sirius broke the silence and said, "I know you were seeing someone and you probably aren't seeing that person anymore... and I'm sorry about that, but James?"

I look up at him. 

"You're the best person I know, and you need to feel this, I know. But don't let it destroy you." 

"You're a git," I mumble as I wipe my eyes and he smirks. "Making me cry in class."

"Sorry, it just had to be said. You're letting this destroy you and I hate seeing it."

"Thanks for saying that, Pads. I appreciate you lot being so patient with me."

"It's only fair, Prongs. You put up with my emotions daily. I think I can handle you being a moody git for a little while."

"Yeah, tell me about it. You an emotional shithead," I say to him and he smiles brightly. 

I chance a look around the room, and instantly regret it because I find Regulus sitting at the table next to me and Sirius. Evan and him are in the middle of a conversation that looked rather serious. It makes me a little nervous how concerned Evan looks. 

This is going to be a long class, Merlin. I should've stayed in bed.