Axel

14

A X E L

I sniffed up the line of white powder, falling and slumping back into my couch before sighing like it was some sort of relief.

In a way it was.

It was only when i sniffed the drugs i felt relief. The feeling that came after. The good feeling, when the ache in your chest is gone, and you can feel all the heavy thoughts in your brain vanish. Until you didn't feel anything at all. Until instead of feeling like you're drowning, you felt like you could breathe underwater.

I loved that feeling.

It was the feeling i got when the drug wears off that i hated.

When the ache in your chest slowly comes back, like a constant punch to the heart. When the different thoughts in your head you had forgotten about begin to spiral again. Until you begin to drown again and the heavy thoughts consume you. Until it gets so bad you need to take more.

When the pain comes my brain finds an excuse to cave in, and i only need one. I was a shitty person, i knew that.

It has become a sort of comfort for me.

Without the addicting white powder, life was gray. I felt gray. I was gray.

I had fights coming up, so i have not been using as much since i've been training. But i have learnt to deal and put up with the constant grey cloud that lingered over my head when i have no drugs in my system.

I pushed myself off the couch and ran a hand through my hair. I plod to my phone that was on the other side of the room by the TV and picked it up, my eye not failing to catch the napkin with Bella's number on it that i stole from Ronan a couple days ago.

To be completely honest I don't know why i did that. I just knew that i didn't want Ronan to have it. But now that i have it I'm not sure what to do with it, i would throw it away- i was going to throw it away. But my body wouldn't let me.

So it's just been sitting there for the past few days.

I don't have a fucking clue why i can't bring myself to throw away a fucking napkin with numbers on it. It was not like i was going to text Bella, i didn't want her to think we are friends.

Me and Bella are completely different, and if i was to be friends with Bella i would not be a good one.

I have Ronan, and he's pretty much the only person i can consider to be my friend.

But I'll never tell him that.

I also hate people who are kind and bubbly, always so fucking energetic and ask so many questions. People like Bella.

But its something about the way she is so kind and the way she lights up a room with her sweet energy.

It's different, i don't hate it as much. In fact, i actually like it.

I like her.

Her touch, her smell, her.

And i want to do things to her. I want her.

And the fact that i actually like being around her has made me overthink everything. And i'm starting to think that it's the blue balls that have caused this.

Especially after i saw her in the gym yesterday.

If i could just get her out of my system it would be so much easier for me.

But i know that Bella is not one for one night stands, and i don't want to take advantage of her. Besides, if i was to do things with Bella, she would want something more. And i don't want that.