Axel

45

A X E L

Her blond curls covered almost the entirety of her back, the ends of her hair kissing the water that bubbled in the hot tub. Her best friend sat beside her, smiling at her as she spoke.

She was faced away from me, and i held back a groan that held jealousy behind it whilst i watched Lucy be the lucky one who had all her attention.

Then she laughed, and it traveled through the air and into my body, where it wrapped around my broken heart and squeezed, holding the pieces that were left of it together.

Words would never be enough to describe the way i felt for this girl, but if by some miracle, one day i even got merely close to expressing just how much i felt for her i think i'd begin with: She made me want to live, and i never thought i'd feel that again.

Although, even then it wouldn't be enough. I wondered if it was possible to feel so much for someone all at once that one day you just burst. I felt like i was going to burst.

The moon that hung low tonight helped the dim porch lights, that hung over my head, lighten up Ronan's dark backyard. Kai and Ethan played chess inside, whilst Noah only observed. I glanced over my shoulder, and through the thick window noticed him already watching me.

I ignored him and set my attention back on her, the toxic fumes from the cigarette traveled down my throat and brought some sense of relief, but not the way it once brought me relief.

It made my skin itch at the mere thought of it. But that wasn't anything new, because i always thought of it, and my skin itched each time.

I thought about them everyday, hoping for the burning ache to pass, hoping i'd just forget they ever existed, hoping the pain would leave. But it never did.

Just on que, like he knew i was thinking about them, Ronan spoke for the first time since he sat down next to me 15 minutes ago.

"Are you sober?" He asked, rocking in his porch chair, a cigarette also between his teeth. I turned to find his attention set on the girls, the light coming from inside revealing his bright hair in the dark night.

That question was beginning to sound like a broken record player that repeated the same words over and over again.

"Yeah." I take a deep breath and sit back. He finally looked at me and sent me a genuine smile, it tugged at my chest and  brought a sense of nostalgia as i remembered that same smile from the day i met him for the first time. The day he would've ended it all if i hadn't had found him.

He nodded at me, the type of nod that held plenty of emotions behind it and a few words that felt like a 'im proud of you.'

He could be inside right now playing fucking chess, or better yet, in the hot tub with the girls, not sitting with an addict who is on the verge of falling to pieces. But he was a loyal fucker, and once promised to forever stick by me wether i was sober or using, and promise he did.

"Smoking your new thing now, huh?" He asked, amusement filling his expression.

I shrugged and looked down at the cigarette. I didn't even like to smoke that much, i only ever did it when i was stressed or pissed, but now it seemed to be the only thing keeping me together. Apart from the tall blondie that had me wrapped around her finger.