Axel

53

A X E L

There was a particular night out of many where myself and Noah sat on that cliff, feet dangling, sharing a cigarette and staring out into the dead city.

It stood out more compared to all the other nights because he spoke a lot.

He shared a story with me, one where him and Ethan were so wasted they walked into a tattoo shop and inked eachothers initials on their asses.

He told me it was the first time in a long time he felt the pressure of his own laugh, felt the sudden ripple in his throat that had forced it out and the ache it left in his muscles afterwards.

I remember that night was so dark i had trouble seeing him, but every time he brought that cigarette to his lips i saw the flame light up his features and the smile he wore.

I often stayed silent because i'd avoid trying to talk about myself but this time i stayed silent because i wanted to, because i wanted to hear what he had to say.

That night had made me feel normal, i hadn't had to think or speak about anything that happened - all i had to do was listen to Noah yap.

I realised that if i could feel like this forever maybe i'd be okay, maybe i'd be able to sit down and tell a story like that to Noah.

I was inspired to say the least.

I asked him if thats what happiness felt like.

He told me he didn't know much about happiness, but if he had to guess, that day he shared with Ethan was the closest he ever felt to happy.

Then he asked me if i had ever felt like that.

I told him i didn't know much about happiness either, but there were moments i shared with Isabella where we both laughed till she screamed she was going to pee and in those moments i pondered if that's what i was feeling.

He asked me if i was sober during those moments, and i had told him yes.

He didn't say anything after that, left me to sit in silence where my mind would torture me. I knew exactly what he was doing, he didn't have to tell me because i had already knew.

If i wanted to feel like that again, i'd have to be sober.

I realised there was never a moment where i had felt anything at all when i was high. For a long time that's what i chased for, that feeling of not feeling anything at all.

But that night had made me realise that numb feeling was only a fraction compared to how good it felt to be with her.

And then just yesterday, i had sneaked off and gotten high, felt absolutely nothing again - and then i fucked her against the wall, held her as she broke down in my arms and proceeded to feel everything.

Every aching, horrible and earth shattering noise her sobs made had traveled right through me and grabbed a hold of my heart.

She had tried and tried to fill my life with so much colour she had none left for herself.

From that moment on to go on without her seemed absurd.

I carried her into bed, turned to Noah and told him i wanted to get sober.

A portion of that colour Isabella had filled my life with had traveled into Noah.

He even cracked a joke and told me i should start knitting to help me.