Axel

43

I S A B E L L A

3:37 AM.

The sound of the shower runs, i stare at the ceiling waiting for it to shut off with tear stained cheeks. But it doesn't stop, the shower runs and when i give up on trying to get him out of that dark bathroom i cry some more.

But i promised, i promised i'd stay and i know he knows that when he comes out i'll still be here, waiting for him, until he gets back in bed and hugs me close.

He's been sitting under that shower head for an hour, freezing water running on him as he sits on the tiled floor, staring down into nothing, his hands on his face.

And when i walk in and try get him out he shouts, he tells me to get out, to leave him alone, he tells me he doesn't want me here and that i caused this pain.

So i leave, i get back in bed and think of calling Ronan but i decided not to. Instead i pull the covers over myself a little more and turn to my side,i remind myself he doesn't mean this,  he's only hurting.

I've spent alot of my time searching the web, learning about addiction and withdrawals and just about every website warned me about this. The random outburst of anger, sadness, happiness. You just let the episode finish, and then when they tell you how sorry they are, you remind them you're still here.

When he got out the shower, clothes dripping wet and leaving a puddle on the floor, hands shaking at his sides and his wet hair covering his dark eyes and soaking his face, mixing with the already wet and frustrated tears on his cheeks, he stayed silent.

His presence felt heavy on my back, as i laid facing away from him and waited for something, anything. Maybe for him to shout, or cry some more or simply just get in bed and lay beside me.

But i wasn't expecting him to touch my hand to grab my attention, and when i turned around to drop to his knees for me by the bed. His wet hands coming to my face and a thumb running over the bridge of my nose when the two words escaped his mouth.

"I'm sorry," He whispered, urgently. "I didn't mean it, it's not your fault, i don't want you too leave." He adds, i sit up until my feet are touching the cold tiled floor and a drop of water rolls from a strand of hair that hangs over his face and lands on my bare thigh.

"I- I just have these random panic attacks, and i feel uncomfortable in my own skin, everything is spiralling and sometimes i just can't breath at all. It makes me angry and upset and it panics me that i can't even keep control of my own body. But Bella, you have to understand, it hurts, it hurts so fucking much." He speaks so fast and low it's almost hard to understand, i think it's the most he's ever spoken.

"Maybe- maybe my help isn't enough, maybe you need a rehab centr-" I try and suggest but he cuts me off.

"No. I don't need rehab, i know you can help me. I only want you, and if i'm in there i don't have you." He pulls me closer, places his head on my lap and soaks my naked thighs. His cold hands come to rub the sides of my thighs as i sit in only his t-shirt and a pair of underwear.

"Thats fine, sweetheart." Is my plain response, i want him to heal his own way and whilst i think rehab will be much easier and less painful for the both of us i believe it's his decision to do what he wants.

Axel kissed the inside off my thigh, the simple gesture running deep into my veins and up to my fragile heart.

And just like that his face is back to normal, and i can't read him anymore, and it just seems like this never happened.