Saddle up

Chapter Thirty-Five

"I have to tell you something..."she said softly into my shoulder. She didn't want to look at me.

My initial thought was that it was something to do with Cole...I silently prepared myself for the worst.

"So...about a month after everything went down, I started to not feel so great. I scheduled a visit with my doctor and found out that I was...pregnant." She eyed me hesitantly.

"What?? Pregnant? How?" My heart began to pound.

My birth control failed. My OB thinks it was due to stress.

"Ok...wow. I uh, didn't know that could happen. What, um. What happened to the...baby. Whose was it??"

"Pregnant...?", I said in disbelief.

"Well, after having a super embarrassing conversation with my doctor, it was determined that the dates were all just too close to determine with any certainty who the father was..."

"Wow. I mean, I still would have liked to have known..."

"Believe me, I planned on telling you both after I took some time to totally digest the news myself. The evening before I'd planned on telling you guys, I woke up in the middle of the night bleeding. I hurried to the ER where it was determined that I was miscarrying the baby..."

"Jesus, Jess. You went through all this alone??"

"Yes. There was no way I was getting anyone involved. I was ashamed. It was weird... when I initially found out I was pregnant I was terrified. But when I'd lost the baby, I was devastated. I couldn't understand how I could be so attached to someone I'd never gotten the chance to meet..."

"Jess...you should have called me. I would have been there for you. Nobody should go through something like that alone."

"It didn't feel right to involve either of you not knowing who the father was. It didn't seem fair. Plus, I felt like it was a punishment...karma in a way for being so promiscuous..."

I looked at her stunned by her statement. "Promiscuous?! Jess, you'd been with a single person for years before you and I...that's far from promiscuous. And I would have been there regardless of the outcome. It breaks my heart that you went through all that alone..."

The thought of Jess carrying my child awakened a desire I didn't even know I'd had. Before if you'd ask me if I wanted kids I would have easily said no way...but picturing her with a growing belly with a precious little person her and I made together sounded like a dream come true. And knowing now that I potentially had a child was a crazy feeling.

After a few moments of silence, I spoke. "So, we might have a child in heaven right now...?"

Jess nodded in response as a tear streamed down her face.

"Jess..." I pulled her up onto my lap effortlessly. I wiped her tears away with my thumbs and held her face just inches from mine. No words were said, but the heat between us intensified and I watched as Jess's eyes wondered to my lips again. I slowly pulled her face to mine before she stopped me.

"Brant, we shouldn't."

"Just kiss me. Please."

She looked away as if she was trying to reason with herself.

"Please." I whispered. Her eyes snapped back to mine in an instant but she still hesitated...I could see how conflicted she was...but I knew deep down how she felt.

"Tell me you don't love me."

"What??"

"Tell me you don't love me." I repeated, not taking my eyes off of her.