Saddle up

Chapter Twenty-Four

"Jess... I honestly doubt that you want to hear from me, especially at this point. I don't really know what to say, but I will start with saying that I'm sorry. For everything. I need you to know that I MEAN that with my whole heart. I wish every day that I could go back and change what I did, but I know that I'll never get that opportunity. I'm aware that I absolutely ruined a wonderful relationship that would still be in existence today if I would have made better choices...I'm sorry for how the choices I made affected you. I know that what I did broke your heart...I could see that in your eyes every time I looked at you. I realize that I lost the best thing that ever has and probably ever will happen to me. I wasn't ready to accept that. I was selfish. I wanted to come home this summer and fix everything and win you back, and when I realized I had broken things beyond repair, I panicked and made even more stupid and reckless decisions. I drank way to much and acted on impulse.

Jess, I need you to know that I NEVER planned what happened that night...never. I didn't even know that I was capable of doing such a horrible thing. After you told me what happened, I couldn't live with myself. That wasn't me. That's NOT me. I couldn't find anymore of ME to hold onto and motivate me to stay in this world. You were the best thing that I had, and you were gone. You weren't coming back—I made sure of that.

I had nothing to live for anymore...and that's why I made the decision that I made. I needed you to know. That's all.

Right now I'm sure you know that I'm in rehab. I'll be here for another 2 months. For whatever reason, I've been given a second chance and I don't intend to waste it. My mom told me that you came to the hospital to see me that night. I couldn't believe that after all that I put you through, you were still concerned about me. But that's who you are...

I told my parents about everything. My mom was going to contact you directly to apologize for the things she said to you in the hospital, but I told her to give you some space for the time being. She wants you to know that she is sorry and that she doesn't blame you for my actions.

I hope that despite the hell that I've put you through, that you can and will be happy again—even if that means never speaking to me again. I wish for nothing but good things for you, Jess. I really mean that.

I don't expect you to write back, I just wanted you to know that I'm okay, and I'm working hard to find the man that I use to be before all this. I won't stop until I do.

I love you. Always.

-Cole"

By the end of the letter I was sobbing. I dropped it to the bathroom floor and sunk deeper into the water, hugging myself. So many thoughts were rushing through my head and overwhelming me. I just needed my mind to shut down for awhile. I needed sleep. I washed up and climbed out of the tub to dry off. Letter in hand, I headed for my bedroom.

I stopped just at the threshold of my room just staring at my bed. The sheets on the bed hadn't been changed since the incident with Cole. In fact, I hadn't spent much time in this room at all since then. I pulled on an oversized shirt and some panties and began stripping the bed. I carried the pile of bedding down to the washer and threw them in. I grabbed some fresh sheets from the linen closet on the way back to my room and got to work on making the bed up. Once finished, I turned out the lights and crawled into bed, falling asleep quickly.

There was a weight on top of me and I struggled to breathe. The dark figure held me down with the weight of his body and covered my mouth, muffling my screams....beep...beep...beep...I jolted awake to the sound of my alarm, gasping for air and dripping with sweat. Realizing it was just a dream, relief washed over me. I wiped away my tears and rolled over, slapping my alarm off. I sighed and buried my face in my hands, contemplating calling in sick to work. I didn't know if I could handle another day like yesterday. The thought of Chase doing all the work by himself motivated me to drag myself out of my bed and to the shower.