VERONICA (Montero Series # 4)

Chapter 33: Past

Chapter Thirty Three

[Elijah's POV]

Napailing ako. "Hindi pa ako pagod, Nic...hindi ako mapapagod sa'yo...kahit kailan..." I tried even harder to hold back my tears that won't even stop.

Walang paglagyan ang takot ko ngayon.

Hinawakan ko ulit ang mukha niya pero mas lalo niya iyong inilayo. Even with her shyness, she used to look at me with those doey eyes with warmth and genuine fondness but right now even with her tears they were as cold as ice, stoic and emotionless.

"Ayoko na," she said rigidly in a chilly voice. " Ang tanga ko. Bakit ba ako pumayag na magpakasal sa'yo?" she laughed with her soft and sweet voice but there was no humor in it, only distaste. " Nagsisi pa tuloy akong pinakasalan kita ngayon!" she hastily wiped her tears. "Siguro hindi mo naman ako mahal di ba? Or probably you just want a huge chunk of my inheritance?"

I couldn't properly breath with the pain. Alam kong hindi ko naipadama sa kanya ng maayos ang pagmamahal ko dahil sobra akong natakot, naduwag sa pwedeng mangyari kung pagbibigyan ko ang sarili ko at aminin ko ang totoong nararamdaman ko sa kanya.

Kaya takot rin akong aminin sa kanyang mahal ko siya dahil alam kong hindi ko iyon naparamdam sa kanya sa paraang dapat at gusto niya. But I reminded myself that she was only saying this now because she was frustrated with our situation. My Nica would never intentionally say this to me. Kilala ko siya.

I tried to take her hand again eager to entertwine it with mine para doon man lang maramdaman ko ang init mula sa kanya pero matigas iyong nakakuyom. I started though I felt like an acid was burning my throat. "I'm sorry if I wasn't able to show you how it is to properly love you, Nic....hindi ko alam kung pa'no...I was so afraid ...for you...nakikiusap ako...huwag mong gawin sa'kin 'to Nic, please... tell me kung anong gusto mo... gagawin ko...tell me how to love you better, how to love you the way you want me to love you...sabihin mo sa'kin kung pa'no..." nabasag ang boses ko. I was begging on my knees desperately. "Huwag ganito, Nica..." nanghihina kong pakiusap.

" You're asking me how to properly love me?" she asked with sweet sarcasm.

"Tell me, love. Gagawin ko..."

" I want out of this marriage and out from you. I want a divorce, silently."

I looked at her in complete stupefaction but the strong burning passion in her eyes confirms that she was serious. Naginginig kong binitawan ang kamay niya.

Why so sudden?We were completely far from being okay while we were in New York.

I shook my head in disapproval. "No...no...love... just ask me anything huwag lang iyan...sasamahan naman kita..."

It's just frustration that she feels right now. I still convinced myself.

" Pagod na ako Elijah, pagod na rin ako sa'yo. Ayoko na! Don't you understand? Ayoko na!" she hissed, wala paring emosyon sa mga mata. " I know I used to like you...and now that I thought I have your love na hindi ko alam kung totoo ba o hindi, napagtanto kong obsession lang pala 'to. You're cold, hindi mo ako madalas pansinin noon and maybe I was just obsessed with the idea na mapansin ng tulad mo,na mahalin ng tulad mo. At ngayong abot ko na wala na akong nararamdaman sa'yo. You see? It was obsession and selfishness!" she spatted.

If only I didn't know her better I would believe her. But the more that she's resisting and all the more that she's telling me things like these ay mas lalong hindi ako naniniwala sa sinasabi niya.

I maybe cold pero hindi ibig sabihin na hindi ko nararamdaman ang pagmamahal niya.

"Wala akong maipapangako sa'yo, love, kundi ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo. I promise to love you and you alone until my very last and I promise that whatever happens always remember that I trust you and I will choose to trust you no matter what."