A Lovely Life

Chapter 4: Summer Dreams Lost at the Sea

And tell me what you plan on doing here for the rest of the summer if you were to stay? Henry asked after I texted him saying I didn't want to go on the trip to Mexico anymore.

Well nothing, but I just don't want to be gone for that long. I texted back.

You won't be missing anything. I promise.

Well I would actually miss schedule pick up, so there's a good reason for me to stay.

Ok, you can get that when you come back. Just go, and enjoy the last bit of summer. Have fun

I guess I can do that. I told him.

Ok, also bring me something nice :)

Henry was right, there was nothing I could do to not go on this trip, so I went, and tried to have fun with my family. It was only going to be a bit more than a three week trip, but it was going to feel long because I was going to be away from Kyle.

Mexico was as I remembered. Walking down the streets brought back memories from my childhood. Got to revisit all the little places that meant something to me. Memories that felt a lifetime ago. The best part of this trip was the fact that the town I grew up in was only a couple of hours away from the beach, and we planned going there before we had to leave.

To spend the time, and not be bored I would walk around town alone. One particular day I saw my best friend from elementary school. I thought about walking up to him, and say hi, but I didn't. I had seen a couple of other kids I went to school with, but none seemed to remember me, so I didn't want to risk getting my feelings hurt. I had a crush on this guy while we were in school, thinking back on it he may have been the first guy I had a crush on. So seeing him brought back feelings, and memories, yet I wasn't brave enough to talk to him.

My whole life I struggled with facing my fears, and sure I was a wuss for the most part, but could you blame me? I was never given the chance to express myself, to explore the person I could really become, and every time I got a rush of strength it was taken away by a massive tidal wave.

A couple of days later, we were getting ready to go to the beach. My grandpa, and I went out to get some things that were needed. On our way to the store I saw two guys walking shoulder to shoulder, and based on what they were wearing, and how they were walking it was obvious they were gay (hate to believe in stereotypes, but they were the flamboyant kind of gays). I stared for a bit admiring their strength, their bravery to do that in a place so closed minded. I lived in a small town in Missouri, but they lived in a smaller town in a more conservative country, yet I couldn't be brave like them. I was a bit ashamed of how weak I was, and maybe that was a sign I should be braver, but then the tidal wave hit.

My grandpa also noticed them, and in a fit of rage he yelled at them 'You guys should hold hands, fucking faggots'. The couple ignored him, and kept walking. I was just standing there in shock that someone from my family would do something like that. I mean sure they talk bad about gay people, but there was a difference between talking amongst friends, and assaulting someone. I was grossed out, and felt ashamed of what I witnessed, but most of all I felt pain because someone in my family would go to such extremes. Once we got home my grandpa told the rest about what happened, and everyone had something to say. My mom said 'there's no decency left in this world. That's why God is punishing us. People like that should not exist.' I wanted to cry, to run away, to do something to make the pain go away, but I couldn't. I had to sit there hearing everyone indirectly telling me I was a part of everything that was wrong with the universe, and there was nothing I could do. Since we all stayed in the same room I couldn't even cry myself to sleep at night, which I have found is very relaxing, so I stayed up late that night thinking if life was worth it, or if I could check out of it early.

The next day we went to the beach. While I was sitting by the shore I wondered if an actual tidal wave could suddenly form, and just take me away. There wasn't a point for me to keep living. All I had wanted was to have a boyfriend and be happy, but now I knew my family wouldn't like me, they would kick me out to the street, or maybe even worse. I really didn't have a chance of staying afloat in this world, so dying wasn't be the worse thing that could happen; it may even be more beneficial for my family to think of me as dead rather than gay.

I walked closer to the ocean, and I felt the water soak my feet again. I walked further away from the shore until the water covered my neck. Once I was that deep in the ocean I submerged myself and started to cry. It was the first time since I had been in Mexico I was able to do this, and it felt great. When I got out no one could tell I had cried.

Somehow the month had ended, and we were on our way back to O'Fallon. Our last day of our trip was the last day of summer break, which meant my sister and I would go to school the morning after we landed, and neither one of us were ready for that, but at the same time I was ready to see all of my friends again. Since heights scare me I tend to sleep during the take off, and landing of planes, but I also need to sit by the window just so I'd be sure that we were still in the air. Since I hadn't slept much the night before I slept for most of the flight back home. My sister woke me up while we were still in the air. I asked her why she couldn't let me sleep until we landed, and she said because she wanted me to be awake.

We got home around 6. All I did was pack a notebook, and pencil in my backpack, and I was good to go. Had dinner and then went to bed. Around eight pm I got a text from Henry.

Glad you're back. How was the trip?

Yeah, it's good to be back. It was ok.

Cant wait to hear all about it

He was the first person to text me since I arrived, and it made me feel appreciated; like someone actually cared about me. That night I reminisced on my friendship with Henry. I wanted to spend time with Kyle since I had a crush on him, but Henry was a great friend, and I had made him a secondary friend. I made it my goal to spend more with Henry Junior year. I needed to stay closer to the few people that cared about me.