A Lovely Life

Chapter 10: Coming (out) to Terms

February was coming to an end, and things were back to normal. Kyle talked to me like before everything started, Adam was distant, but talked to me every once in a while. Jackson, and Max were still themselves, and Krystal talked to me when we were on the bus. I was glad things were back to the way they were, but there was still one person who didn't talk to me; Dave who still didn't believe that I didn't know Jackson, and Cole were the ones who teepee his house. I wish he could believe me, so I could talk to him, and Xander, but neither one of them was talking to me.

Gil was the one who talked to me most throughout the day, which I didn't mind. I was mesmerized by him every time he walked, talked, smiled, or looked at me. It made me sad knowing I couldn't tell anyone how I felt, and there was nothing I could do to make him like me. I mean why would a guy who was that attractive ever look at someone as ugly as me. I knew I didn't have much to offer anyone, but I believed I could find someone who would love me regardless of how I looked, and we'd be happy. Wouldn't that be ideal?

Krystal, and I talked during class as usual. Mike, the guy she liked, was the topic of our conversation as always, she told me the story of how they met, and why she liked him. But since he was a grade younger they were separated last year, and he had never asked her out. Which was crazy to me since she was pretty, and he was cute, but not enough to pass on someone like her. There was so much I envied about Krystal, she found someone she liked, and was able to talk to friends about it, she was pretty, and when Mike saw her you could tell he liked her too. She could easily get her happy ending while I had to struggle to even find a happy beginning. I was so jealous of her that if we were all turned into fairy tale characters I would be the wicked witch.

Henry, and I still talked during lunch, and managed to have small conversations between lunches. I was glad he stayed by my side when things went to shit. I mean sure he wasn't all that happy, but even being mad at me he sat with me at lunch rather than ignoring me like everyone else did.

I made up my mind, and decided Henry was going to be the first one I tell I was gay to. After everything that happened in the last couple of months it only seemed reasonable to trust him with my secret. I wanted the first person I told I was gay to have a good reaction, and accept me for who I was. I just had to find a good time. Krystal and I got closer since we had Drama class together, and she never had done anything that made me think I couldn't trust her. Maybe I could tell her after I told Henry. I figure that after I tell one person, telling more people would become easier, and less stressful. I also wouldn't care if more people knew the truth about who I was.

As the week went by I still couldn't figure how to tell them. It was as if my thoughts would get cloudy, and my heart would beat so fast it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I couldn't do it, I got too nervous to let my words out. I was tongue tied. I wondered if other people could see me struggling, if they could, maybe they sensed that there was something that I was holding back. I told myself if I could just get more information whether or not I should open up would bring me some sort of peace.

Thursday at lunch Henry and I sat on the outside patio since it was open again due to temperatures rising.

"Do you hate gay people?" I asked him without any context. I was really nervous, but I got those words out of my mouth.

"What? Ummm, no, why?" Henry responded, but he seemed a bit uncomfortable by the question.

"I was just wondering." I said.

"Oh, ok. No I don't." He said.

"Cool." I said. I couldn't say anything else, much less come out to him then. I felt so light headed I almost passed out just by asking him the first question. I got the last piece of information that was holding me back, and now there was no turning back. I had to come out. I also asked Krystal that week the same question, and she also responded with the same answer.