A Lovely Life

Chapter 15: Cruel Reality

The weekend arrived. School had been in session for three days, and I had to work all weekend, so in retrospect I don't know why I was so excited about it, but I was. Saturday morning I worked, and luckily Brad was there. He got to work in the line, and I was still cleaning up tables, but every once in a while I would look up, and I'd see him doing something. He was really cute, and I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. Rick even let me go on a break at the same time he went, so I sat with him, and this girl named Abby. I had seen her at school before, but she looked intimidating, so I never tried to talk to her. One day after I got back from New Mexico, I was working the line, and she showed me how to do things. We would talk every once in a while when we worked together after that.

Abby, and Brad were sitting together, and they were kinda flirting. Honestly if Abby wasn't dating a really cute guy from school I'd say they would be a cute couple, but she is in a relationship, and I liked Brad, so I was not happy seeing her flirt with Brad.

Later that night, my dad wanted to have a family dinner. It was the first one since his girlfriend moved to New Mexico, so me and my sister decided to be nice for once. After dinner we decided to go to the mall.

"So, any girlfriends yet?" My dad asked me out of the blue.

"Umm. Nope, not yet." I couldn't tell him I was gay, not yet at least. I was afraid of what could happen once I did. My mom could kick me out of her house, and my dad wouldn't let me go to his house. He could also beat me up, or could do worse. I was not prepared for my world to change. Not since I was finally in an okay mental state. So I just played along with his conversation.

"C'mon. You have got to get at least one. When I was your age I had already had plenty of them." He said.

"Yeah, that's why you can't find one to settle down with." My sister said. I wish I was more like her, just being able to say what was in my mind without worrying what others might feel. The amount of times her, and my dad argue in one day usually leaves me needing aspirin by the end.

"Haha, shut up, but seriously son, I need you to get a girlfriend some time this school year. Not expecting you to fall in love, or get married, but just so you know what love is." The radio was playing in the background, and the song Brave by Sara Bareilles was playing. It was a newer song, and for the first time I paid attention to the lyrics. I don't think the song was about coming out, but at that moment it sure felt like it. I clenched my fist, and I almost blurred it out, but then the picture of me bleeding out on the side of the road came to my brain, and I almost started to panic. I wasn't ready, not yet, but one day I was going to be brave enough to tell him, and my mom, and everyone else. I was going to say those words out loud without fear of what could happen.

"Ok, father." Was all I said.

"Getting a girlfriend should be a top priority, but to get someone to like you you'll need to start losing weight. You're looking a bit fatter lately." He said. The funny thing is that he always wondered why I had such low self esteem, but never stopped to wonder how much was his fault. Love for me was always with a condition for him. I had to be straight, be good, be the person he wanted me to be, and if I wasn't that then there wasn't going to be love for me. Which is why I've never felt loved by my family, and why it was so hard for me to love them back. That night I felt like shit more than I had in a while, I started to think if maybe he was right, and being dead was a better option for me than being alive.

Luckily the weekend ended. At work I saw Brad when he was leaving; he had worked the morning shift, and I was working the night one. When I saw him, he smiled, and waved. I did the same because every time I saw him I got butterflies in my stomach. He was really cute. But the weekend was over now, and we all had to go back to school.