A Lovely Life

Chapter 6: Making of Decisions, Drafting of a Plan

A week went by, and things were all the same. My life fell into a routine, which I was fine with, but at the same time I wanted something else, something more. Things were slowly fading to gray, and I was losing interest in trying in life.

One day I was walking with Kyle, and Adam while they were talking. They were best friends so they were always together, which kinda hurt because when I hung out with both of them I felt like a third wheel. They had a lot of things in common, and I only tried to be interested in the same things as Kyle, but it was never enough. Adam was a better friend to Kyle than I was, so I did what any person would and decided to step away from him; to let him be with friends who were better to him, and to let go of a guy who would never like me.

The next morning I went to my locker instead of going to see the group. As I was about to leave for my class I heard a familiar voice calling me.

"Is this the new locker?" Henry asked.

"New locker?" Jordan asked. Jordan was Henry's friend. Jordan was to Henry what Adam was to Kyle. I've had problems with Jordan before. He was an asshole, and quite unbearable at times, but I had to deal with Jordan to talk to Henry sometimes.

"We shared a locker last year." Henry responded.

"But you wouldn't share one with me?" Jordan asked.

"It was a one time thing. It wouldn't be the same with someone else." Henry said.

"Well if you want we can share lockers again. You know I don't take a lot of space." I said.

"I'll let you know." He said. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. Jordan started to talk, but I didn't pay much attention to him. I was only looking at my friend.

We did this for a week, we met at my locker every morning, and most days Jordan didn't show up.
It was a Friday when Jordan showed up after Henry and I were talking.

"Hey, do you guys want to come with me? I need to go ask Adam something about our assignment." Jordan asked.

"Sure." Henry said. I looked a bit shocked because I hadn't talked to Kyle or Adam in almost a week. I mean I saw them in the hallway, but that was about it. I was a bit nervous since they might be mad at me for ditching them. Kyle had a tendency of being very upfront, and liked to say things the way they were, and it always made me feel scared of him. Luckily it didn't happen. Jordan and Adam talked, and I simply nodded to Kyle. He nodded back, and he didn't seem mad at all, yet deep down I kept hearing this voice that kept telling me that every move I was making was wrong, and that I was letting everyone down.

I wanted to fix things, so in the mornings I went back to hanging out with Kyle and Adam, Henry and Jordan joined us, so everyone was there. There were times when Henry wouldn't come, and that made me think I was letting him down for not seeing him in the mornings, but at least every Thursday at lunch he was the only person I talked to.

In the bus I sat in the front area in the morning. Mystery guy, who's name I learned was Xander, sat in the back. He had olive skin, blond hair, crystal clear green eyes, and seemed to have a six pack. I would stare at him from my seat, and he would smile at me if he saw me; every time he did that I would get butterflies in my stomach.

I wanted to tell someone all about my feelings, about all the boys I was crushing on, but I didn't have anyone. I decided that before the end of the school year I was gonna tell someone, but I didn't know who I could trust. My whole life I've had trust issues, and maybe having to keep this secret was the main reason. Trusting someone with this would mean trusting someone with my life. I had to find someone who wouldn't hate me for it, someone who wouldn't tell others even if they hated me, it had to be someone who wouldn't turn their back on me. I started to think of who I could tell; Kyle, and Adam would end up hating me due to their religious background, Jayden, Jackson, or Max would be ok with it, Krystal I had only known for about a year, and the only other option was Henry the one friend who had been with me since seventh grade, but I had to test if he would hate me for being gay since I didn't know his stand on this topic.
At the beginning of summer break I thought I wanted to find someone who would push me into ending my life. I thought being gay was going to be the reason I didn't make it to live a long life, but that was before I started to think maybe there are people who are ok with gay people. I mean in the shows I'd watch there were always bullies, and people who weren't ok with gay people, but there was always someone who was their friend. There was that one friend who didn't mind. I wanted to find that someone instead of the one who would push me away. I wanted to find my reason to live.