Aftertaste - A Chris Evans Story

11

I should've known that this would happen again. That he'd get me so hopeful to the point that I feel I could burst, only to then send me reeling back down, shattering me on impact like glass. 

"You're really doing it again aren't you?" My voice shakes, "You're going to tell me exactly what you told me last year..."

"Everly" He sighs. 

"Just tell me for fuck sake Chris!" I yell at him with the anger seeping from my words. "Tell me how you can't do this!" 

He says nothing, "I'm sorry Ev. I got home and I've had time to think about what happened with us - it's not a good idea. I have a good thing with Jen, we're stable and..." 

"So why the fuck did you sleep with me again!" I scream down the line at him. "Why did you tell me all those things! I told you I'd wait! You made me a promise!"

"Yeah, and I shouldn't have. This? Us? It's not me Ev - I feel bad enough I did what I did the first time around without having to now feel it for a second time. Look, it would ruin us both if it were to get out. I don't want that for you. Your career is only just starting". 

"You mean you're worried it'll ruin your rep - well don't worry, because I won't say nothing about what happened". I seethe, "You told me you loved me..." 

He cuts me off. "I was ahead of myself. We both were, Everly, we can't do this. I can't. I can't be that guy who gives up something good just for a fling..." 

The words cut deep. 

"So that's all I ever was..."

"You walked the first time, you did what you knew was right, which is what I'm doing now. You know it' for the best too - you said yourself you didn't wanna be the other woman". 

I swallow the lump in my throat and then speak. "No...you're right". Accepting that yes, we're both as bad as one another for doing this. We were both just caught in the moment. It was never love even if he had literally told me that was how he felt. 

It was just pure infatuation. Lust. 

"Is that the same reason why you couldn't walk last year. Because you realised how good you really had it in the first place?" I wouldn't blame him if that actually was the reason. 

There's silence for a moment before he finally comes clean. "I never wanted to tell you this last year, because I knew it would upset you - but I couldn't leave then because Jenny was pregnant..." 

And there it is. The real reason why he refused to carry on what we'd started back then. And this news now makes me feel sick to my stomach.

"Oh..." 

"And as you can probably guess...well...the worst happened". 

"Chris...I'm sorry...did she know about us..." If I'm the reason for what happened then I'm gonna feel even more guilt than I did then. 

"No. She still doesn't know what's gone on. But when I got home the other day it all came back to me. The grieving process we went through, I was a mess because it was something we'd both wanted - I can't risk my relationship Ever. It's made me realise just how good things are as they are currently". 

So he does love her. 

I'm such an idiot. 

"Well then...as long as you're happy". 

"Ev, I don't wanna be the guy who drags you down, who you keep waiting for". 

The tears stream down my face. "But I will. I'll always be waiting even though you won't be. I still fucking care about you..." 

"I know, and I do about you, which is why I've made this decision. Whether you still want to be friends is your call. I won't hold it against you if you don't". 

Everyone will say no, fuck him, he doesn't deserve anything from you. Not your friendship, your time or your love. 

But I can't let him go fully. Last year was too painful to deal with knowing I wouldn't see him, but perhaps staying friends would help me to just accept, heal and move on. 

"I'll see..." I say. "I need time to process this"

He's not called me his Evermore. 

Because I'm not that. And I never will be. 

It's just a meaningless nickname to us both now. 

"Everly, I'm sorry..." 

"Yeah...me too..."