Aftertaste - A Chris Evans Story

12

"For crying out loud, can someone come touch up her mascara!" Lucy rolls her eyes as she spots that I've been crying again, for the hundredth time that afternoon. "Ev, you need to get it together, I warned you about this".

"I can't go, sorry Luce I can't go when I'm like this".

I'm a mess and meant to be leaving for the screening in half an hour. I can't do it - I don't have the strength to sit next to him, smile and answer questions as though everything is fine and dandy.

"Bullshit, if Katy Perry can do a gig less than five minutes after finding out she was getting divorced then you can go to this screening". She says and looks at me, "Ev, you're an actress - this is just another scene and another role you have to play"

"It's real fucking life Lucy!" I storm into the bathroom and lock the door.

"Ever! Ever please, open the door - I'm just trying to turn your mind to what's more important and that's your career". She says softly through the door, "you have to show him you're strong. You overcame this once, you can do it again".

"I shouldn't have to do it again. There shouldn't have been an 'again'" I say and stare at my reflection in the mirror.

The amount of eyeliner and mascara that have run have now turned me into the winter fucking soldier.

"Ever. Please open the door". Lucy says again and I do.

She walks in and shuts it behind her, so as no one in the room can hear the rest of the conversation. "Ev, you're better than this..."

"I can't do it, it hurts too fucking much" I whimper, and she hugs me as I cry into her top. "I'm such an idiot Luce, I knew there was always the chance he wouldn't do it but instead I just stayed hoping he would".

Lucy strokes my hair. "He loves Jenny, whether you like it or not. It's how it is. You just need to focus on you, your roles you have coming up are big, bigger than we ever thought - I'm gonna sound horrible but you need to hear it. He won't come back. Not now, and if he tries again then you'll only end up like this - there's only so much you can cling to, and you're clinging to every last bit of hope. It's not gonna happen babe".

"Please don't make me go" I beg like a child who doesn't want to go to school. "Please, just say I'm ill and can't appear".

"Ever, it will give you more closure if you attend than it will if you hide in this room".

I suppose my fate is sealed.

I'm just gonna have to suck it up.

"Do you think that I could ever be friends with him after this?"

"You'd be a bigger and better woman if you were than I ever could be". Lucy says.

That is still something I will have to think about.

"Ok. Best get my face sorted out if I'm going to be taken to hell".

**

I head out of the car and Lucy accompanies me into the theatre where the screening and more Q&A's will be.

"How's my face?" I turn to her and ask.

"Still intact" she gives me a thumbs up and with my head held high, I head backstage to where a few of the others are waiting. "How you doing Ever?" Jamie asks as she gives me a hug.

"Surviving". I shrug, "bit tired from all the travelling".

"Plenty of time to get used to that" she grins and then sees Chris. "Ah! There you are!" She says and pulls him into a hug.

"Yep, here I am" he says casually and then his eyes fall into me. "Hey Ev". He gives me a faint smile.

The knife in my heart turns another notch. But I have to do this. I can be an adult about it for goodness sake.

"Hey..." I nod, smiling weakly.

This is fucking awkward and Jamie senses it. "So! Shall we head on?" And points out to the stage where the chairs for us all are set up.

"Yeah good idea". Chris nods and allows me to head on before him.

Of course we're fucking seated next to one another. We always are.

Closure. I'm doing this for closure.

Afterwards I don't stay around for the screening and go to the bar for a drink before I head back to the hotel.

Seems he has the same idea.

Double fuck.

I down the drink in my hand and then turn to him. "I don't blame you for choosing her - we couldn't be selfish anymore than we already had been. It's not fair on everyone involved. You're lucky that I even want to stay friends, and I use that term loosely because I'm only doing it as we always seem to end up at the same events, and will most likely end up working together again at some point in the future".

"Ever..." he begins

"Please...just let me go. You made your choice so you could at least let me try and get over you".

As I walk away I hear him say to himself solemnly,  "at least you're trying..."

Don't look back at him Ever

Don't.

I look back...But this time he allowing me to go.

And that's what hurts the most.