Heart of stone

Coming Clean

(Not proof read, sorry!)

After a few more days at the farm, with Nat in and out of headspace, it was time to go home. Wanda had packed their bags while Nat showered. She wasn't feeling little but also wasn't feeling too big, it was strange for her.

She washed her hair before applying a generous amount of conditioner to her wavy hair. She brushed it through before rinsing it all out. She then turned the temperature to cold for a few minutes, letting it cool her down and wash away the bad thoughts.

She had been getting them a lot lately, ever since opening up to Wanda about things it has just been a flow of memories and thoughts in her head that used to be under control. She didn't want to talk to Wanda about it incase it upset her, she hated seeing her mama upset, but she also knew Wanda would be upset if she didn't tell her about the bad thoughts. So her conclusion was to wait for a bit and see if they go away, or maybe it was to procrastinate so she doesn't have to tell anyone. Either way, she thought she had it under control.

After a few minutes she shut off the water, getting out and wrapping herself in a fluffy towel. She looked at herself in the mirror, unsure if she could recognise herself. Before long the bad thoughts and memories came back, filling her head. She shook it, hoping they would fall out of her ears and she will never have to deal with them again. Even though she knew it didn't work like that, she did hope that it would help.

"You okay in there?" Wanda's voice called from the bedroom. "Yeah, I'm okay." Nat's voice said quietly. She finished drying herself and threw her clothes on before walking out.

Wanda held her arms open for Nat, even when she was big Nat was her baby. Wanda loved Nat so much and couldn't fathom life without her.

"How you feeling?" Wanda asked and Nat shrugged. Part of her would miss the farm but she actually was happy to be going back home, it was familiar and safe.

"I'm okay, feeling a bit weird." She said honestly, letting herself relax into Wanda's arms. "What type of weird?" Wanda asked, gently running her fingers through Nats wet hair.

"Kinda big, kinda small. I dunno..." she said, closing her eyes and sighing. "You wanna be small? Or big?" Wanda asked and Nat shrugged, not actually knowing. "That's fine, I'll be here either way." Wanda responds, kissing Nat on the head.

"Did you enjoy the animals and staying here for a little while?" Wanda asked and Nat nodded, really enjoying the animals. She had helped Laura and Clint feed them a few mornings and really liked the lambs. They were her favourite.

Although she enjoyed being at the farm, she did want to go home and see her room and have some chill time.

"Your ride is here!" Clint called up the stairs and wanda gently patted Nats back before sighing. "Come on lovely, looks like it's time to go."

Wanda and Nat made their way downstairs, saying their goodbyes to everyone. It was hard on the kids as they loved having their auntie Nat to stay, but both Clint and Wanda knew Nat was ready to go home and have that familiarity around her. Her room was her safe space, she needed it.

"We will come back soon, I promise." Nat said, smirking. Wanda nodded, taking Nats hand and heading out. They got to the car that had been hired for them to get to the airport. Although Tony likes giving them extravagant things to travel in everything was taken, so this was the only option. Which Wanda and Nat were fine with.

The only thing that worried Nat would be the public. She was sure they would figured out she was a little if she was seen in public, so she forced herself to stay big. She didn't want anything happening while she was around people.

"Nat? You okay?" Wanda asked from the drivers seat. Nat nodded, looking out of the window again. She could tell she was starting to fall back into her old ways, something just felt off and she didn't want to drop to rock bottom again.

"I think it's getting bad again." Nat blurted out, wanting to just tell someone. "What do you mean my love?" Wanda asked gently. "I don't know I just... wanted to tell you." She replied, her cheeks starting to heat up.

She hated talking to people about her feelings, it didn't seem to get any easier.

"It's okay if you want to talk about it baby, I'm right here." Wanda said, taking Nats hand. "I just... I don't want to hit rock bottom again, and I don't think I can..." she said quietly.

"What do you mean you don't think you can?" Wanda asked, her heart starting to hammer in her chest. "I just... I don't think I can deal with hitting rock bottom again. If I do I don't know if I'll be able to make it... y'know?" She said, looking at her lap.

"Babes..." Wanda started but quickly changed her approach. "What can I do to help you stop hitting rock bottom? Would it be better if you slipped more? If we did more during the day? If we did less during the day? What can I do to help you?" Wanda said, wanting to see Nat's point of view before saying anything else.

"I... I don't know. I just- I feel like it's just gonna happen, like I can't stop it, but I can't go through that again Wanda, I don't want to." She said, on the verge of tears.

"If you do, I won't be mad. I will be with you every step of the way, okay? I am not going to let you hurt yourself. I love you too much to let you do anything stupid." Wanda said, which actually reassured Nat.

Wanda wouldn't leave her or let her do anything to herself. She wasn't mean, she would stay with her. Even if Nat wasn't doing okay mentally, Wanda would be there.

"What if we found you a therapist?" Wanda asked, knowing Nat hated talking to people about her feelings. "You could talk to them and have that safe space to talk to them about your problems and they can help you work through them." Wanda said, trying to show Nat that therapy wasn't bad.

"I... I'll try it." Nat said, surprising Wanda. "Really?" Wanda said, shocked. "I trust you. If you think it will help... I'm willing to give it a go." She said, making Wanda smile and take Nat's hand in her own.

"I love you so much babygirl."
"I love you so much mama..."