Jade Awakening

Caught and Distraught

Once we arrived at my house, I felt a tinge of disappointment. I wished that the journey to get here would have been longer so that I could spend more time with Beck. We talked about nothing of any importance, but it didn't matter to me. For whatever reason – be it that he is obviously attractive, smells nice, is charismatic, or stood up for me tonight – I wanted to spend more time with him. I couldn't very well get my way tonight since we were already approaching midnight and my driveway. I made myself accept that we were coming to a close and I'd simply have to wait until school to see Beck again.

After we bid each other goodnight, I looked longingly after him for just a moment before stepping foot through the front door. Jasper was asleep on the couch opposite the television. A children's cartoon was still playing, now serving as white noise rather than entertainment for the young boy. Careful not to rouse him, I walked with light footing toward the staircase.

When I reached the top of the steps, my mother took notice that I was back and came to say, "Hey, how was Cat's birthday party?" Only, when she stepped into the hallway to face me, she saw that I had not been at a birthday party at all.

"What are you wearing?"

It had escaped me that I needed to change back to my regular clothes before coming home and now I was cursing at myself for forgetting. I could have told her the truth which would lead to a scolding, but now that I had celebrated Halloween for the first time, I saw no justifiable reason to be punished for it. I wasn't about to pretend that I had been wrong for dressing up in a costume and dancing with friends.

"I'm Little Red Riding Hood, doesn't the cape give it away?"

"You told me you were going to a birthday party; you lied straight to my face!" she yelled in a hushed voice.

"And, oh!" she whined. "Look at you: you're dressed like... like a tramp. You're sending out the wrong kind of message. God help me. This holiday was created by the Devil, I just know it. You take those clothes off right now, I don't ever want to see you in that again."

"They're clothes, Mom," I protested. "And will you knock it off with the devil talk? I don't think Satan lurks around spooky music and strobe lights."

"No. No, I won't have it. I thought I raised you better than this," she looked to be something between angry and disappointed.

"It's not a big deal! Everybody celebrates Halloween, Mom. And there were some people there dressed way sluttier than me."

"Oh, so if everybody jumped off of a bridge, you would, too?"

"That's such a stupid argument, and you know it! There's nothing satanic about Halloween! It's literally just dressing up and having fun – and I did have fun." For the most part.

"I don't want to hear another word. Go take that all off and go to bed. We will finish this in the morning."

I desperately wanted to fight out an argument right then and there while I was still running on fresh fumes, but exhaustion won out. It was the middle of the night and the thought of just going straight to sleep was enticing. I huffed loudly before closing my bedroom door behind me – just to be sure that Mom knew of my anger and agitation toward her.

Even with my eyes closed looking for sleep, I wore a tight scowl on my face. So many adults seem to be so unreasonable lately. More and more I began to feel that I knew reason better than anyone else. Alongside my disdain for the authority figures in my life, unwanted flashes of Ryder holding me down over the hood of his car kept me from sleep. I pushed the images away, not wanting to give him any more power over me. It brought me some peace knowing that Beck likely scared him off for good this time. I let my drowsy mind think of him instead before being carried off to sleep.

In the morning, the anger that had buzzed in me was nearly all sizzled out. I was still moody, but less severe than the night before. To make a statement, I didn't bother to try to hide the way I started to dress at school. I changed into a black off-the-shoulder shirt, ripped skinny jeans, and the same combat boots I had worn last night. In a box, I had hidden a couple hair extensions under the sink of the bathroom. I chose the same pink and blue pieces that I had first tried on with Cat. Feeling utterly myself, I strutted downstairs.

Mom was awake before me and sat in the living room with a cup of hot tea in hand, waiting for me. I didn't say a word, but held a scowl on my face as I dramatically sat down on the couch across from her. A blanket was still tangled beside me from where Jasper had slept. I guessed he was upstairs playing video games now.

She didn't say a word about the way I looked just then like I had expected her to. Oddly, she was much more composed now than she had been last night. A part of me wished that she would just voice her disappointment in me so I had good reason to keep being angry.

"Jade," she started. "I'm going to say what I want to say, and I just want you to hear me, okay?"

My confirmation came out as nothing more than a huff.

"Okay. There are two things that I am very disappointed in you for. First: you lied to me. You told me you were going to celebrate Cat's birthday yesterday, but instead you go to a Halloween party at God knows where and-"

"It was at school."

"- I'm talking, don't interrupt me. And you know how I feel about this holiday. That was incredibly disrespectful to sneak behind my back. Second: I am disappointed that, instead of saying 'I'm sorry, Mom, for lying to you,' or 'I know what I did was wrong,' you chose to talk back to me. I know that you had fun with your friends and dressing up, but you chose the wrong way to go about it and now you won't own up to it."

"You would've said no if I asked you."

"I... I don't know what I would have said. That's not the point, dear. You get what I'm saying, right?"

I grumbled a yes, not particularly loving the feeling of patronization.

"Okay then. Now, don't think I haven't noticed this new fashion statement you're making. The colored hair – does it come in and out?"

"Yup."

"Hmm. Have you been dressing like this when you go to school?"

"Yup."

"Okay..." She was considering what to say next. I was ready for any moment to give a snide comeback to a disapproving comment. In my mind, I was daring her to say something judgemental. "You know, I like your old clothes better. It makes you more... approachable. But clearly, you've changed your taste. Am I just going to have to accept that this is how you're going to look now?"

"Yup."

"Well alright then – I guess that's that. I think I've spoken my piece, is there anything you wanted to say now?"

She surprised me sometimes. Even though she is frustrated with me, she never erupts the way Dad would. She wouldn't say it, but I think she felt defeated in trying to make me behave or appear the way she wanted. I feel bad for her deep down, but I couldn't bring myself to apologize for not being her idea of perfect.

Now that she opened the door for me to talk about what I wanted to, I considered finally mentioning Ryder's relentless harassment toward me. But I quickly reasoned that that would be a terrible idea – she might point a finger to the slutty costume I was wearing, or claim that that's proof that Halloween is a cursed holiday. I didn't need her to find more ammunition to fire against the wrong things. So I kept it all to myself even though it was eating at me.

"Nope."

Even though I was the one cutting our conversation short, I felt dissatisfied. I noticed that with almost everybody now, I was wanting more but I couldn't figure out how to get it. An emptiness inside swelled and I wondered how no one else could sense it.

***

For those who are waiting, there will be some major development with Beck and Jade coming soon!  I'm excited to finally write it -- it's been over a year!!  

As always, thank you if you've been keeping up with this story.  I know this one wasn't the most action-packed chapter, but I think moments like this are necessary... what do you all think?