Jade Awakening

Janitor's Closet

I still could not bring myself to look him in the eye, but I caved in to my wanting. My history with Ryder had been long kept a secret for only me, and partially Cat, for too long. My shame, guilt, and anger had been gnawing at my insides for too long. My unfriendly facade had kept anyone from coming too close to me for too long. I wanted someone else to finally know me. And here Beck was, asking me to let him in.

I played absentmindedly with the laces on my black boots as I began to speak. My voice wavered slightly, so I spoke lowly to keep it from breaking. "You know Ryder Daniels?"

"The 10th grader, yeah I think so."

"Mm-hm. I went over to his house a couple months ago to work on some stupid assignment for Gradstein's class. I don't know why I did it, but I said some things that gave him the idea to..."

My mind started to turn blank on me, like it didn't want me to continue with the story. I stared at my laces, nearly forgetting that I had been talking at all. Beck put a hand on my shoulder to ground me back which encouraged me to search my mind for the words.

"I wondered what it would be like to... do something with another person, but I didn't think something would actually happen. A-at first I was... thrilled. It was so... exciting to see a guy so exposed. And – I can't believe I'm telling you this – I actually enjoyed having 'him' in my mouth. It was fun to hear him... get off."

A thought dawned on Beck, "Ryder's tweet?"

I nodded first, giving myself a chance to recollect myself again.

"Um, yeah. The picture he posted was from that day. I don't know why I didn't notice that he took it in the first place. I was probably too... focused." I cringed at myself and shook my head to keep from disclosing too many private details. "Anyway, he invited me to come back to his house the next day. I thought he would help me finish our assignment and... maybe touch me the way I had touched him – God, this all sounds so stupid when you say it out loud – but he had other plans.

"He took me to his bedroom and went all the way with me. I tried to convince myself beforehand that it'd probably be fine, that people do it all the time, but... I couldn't admit that I wasn't ready. It all happened so fast, and he wasn't gentle, and it... hurt."

I realize now that the hurt was two-fold: it hurt physically, but it also hurt that a person would make another feel so worthless.

"Since then, Ryder has been telling stories to his friends – you know, you heard them – about how easy I was. And you should have seen my inbox on The Slap after he posted that stupid picture. He made it so random boys felt like they could just have me. Like, two of Ryder's idiot friends tried to touch me and force me to my knees-" I was shaking again now, thinking back on it "- when I was walking home at night. The only reason I was able to stop them is because I found a pair of scissors in the street to threaten them with."

I almost had to laugh, "It was convenient that we just watched The Scissoring just beforehand."

"No," Beck said in disbelief, "you mean right after we were walking together? I should have walked you home – I knew I should have."

"No, don't do that. You couldn't have known and I was the one who insisted I would be fine by myself. But ever since that night, I knew I needed to be able to defend myself. I'm not exactly... a physically strong person, so I had to do something else. I've been keeping scissors on me everyday now – either in my boot or bag. I know it's weird, but it worked for me that one night and it gives me a chance to embody Tawny Walkerblack's character from The Scissoring. And Cat helped me find my new style. I like that the darker clothes and jewelry make me look... unapproachable. All of that added with a little meanness and people stay away."