Jade Awakening

It's Just Me

At our next Spring Awakening rehearsal, we were expected to run through the first act of the show off-book. Unlike last time and to Robbie's relief, Sikowitz didn't threaten us with a water gun for when we might mess up our lines. Apparently, he had received a complaint from the janitors for all of the puddles of water that they had to mop up afterwards.

Just like last time, we assumed our positions and ran through the scenes. Having rehearsed the parts so many times – particularly the first handful of scenes – our characters felt less like faces to put on and more like extensions of ourselves. We exhibited their words and actions almost effortlessly.

As we had done countless times before, we started with me center stage singing "Mama Who Bore Me" leading to a futile discussion with Meredith, playing my mother, on how children are conceived. After my character, along with other girls in the background, convey their frustrations of the lack of knowledge given to them, we transition to the next scene at the boys' school.

Robbie's character admits his anxiety of his erotic dreams interfering with his life to Beck's character. Beck as Melchior tries to douse his worry by explaining that all the boys in class experience these frustrations, causing the song "The Bitch of Living" to ensue. When we transition back to the girls, we're all fantasizing of the boys in our lives in a more hopelessly romantic way.

Robbie as Moritz comes to Melchior with even more anxiety than before – the descriptions and depictions of the female anatomy had amplified his nightly visions. Beck's character tries to comfort him to no avail, leading us all into "Touch Me".

My favorite scene with Beck was next – Wendla finds Melchior in the woods and we share a moment of reminiscence together. During which, we both silently wonder what it would be like to give in to our innate desires. As a duet, we sing "The Word of Your Body". It was a thrill to sing in harmony with him and to hold his arms. When our scene had to conclude, longing was left in the air for me, as it should have been for Wendla, too.

After my character's friend accidentally reveals to us that she gets physically and sexually abused by her father ("The Dark I Know Well"), Wendla convinces Melchior to simulate the abuse with a switch from the woods. This scene was always packed with heavy emotion and was difficult to get right. The amount of emotional energy required was exhausting, but when I was able to exit the stage, it felt fulfilling.

Robbie's character, Moritz, learns that his sleepless nights and innumerable distractions as well as responsibilities have affected his schooling. His scores for his final exams were not quite good enough to pass the school-year and he will have to retake his current level. Moritz internalizes his failure and feels as though he has few options for what to do with his life – "And Then There Were None".

I was watching Robbie portray this insurmountable sense of defeat and hopelessness from the wings. As much fun as we like to poke at him, it was only fair to give credit for his ability to embody Moritz so well – it was as if the character was made for him.

When he exited the stage and Beck entered, I tried to ready myself for the scene that I always dread. It was nearly time for me to make my entrance stage-left and interrupt his lament in the hayloft. My pulse picked up pace despite my attempt to regulate my breathing. Several feet in front of me, Beck was singing his heart out, frustrated at this state in-between childhood and adulthood. Focusing on him subsided my nerves enough to at least last the first moments of our interaction.

Once again, we try to convince the other that it wasn't their fault for what happened with the switch in the woods. Beck's character won't look at me for a while, but we're only inches apart.

"Don't- please!" he cut me off, finally turning to face me. "It was me – all me. Something in me started when I hit you."

"Something in me, too."