LOVELORN

58|Revealed secrets & pity

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THE DAY my mom kicked me out was one of the most vulnerable days of my life. I knew I could always rely on Zora, but there was a brief moment in which I considered sleeping in my car just to avoid feeling like a burden. My whole life felt like it crashed down that day.

A part of me had suspected for years that my mom would eventually snap and disown me once and for all, but that did nothing to ease the pain. Despite our terrible relationship, a childish part of me also persisted amidst my pessimism; a belief that maybe my parents could grow to love me again. That naive hope was crushed when my mom told me to get out of the house.

Getting out of a house that suffocated me paved the way toward my healing, but the time leading up to it and the actual day still remained something I didn't like to think about. Telling my friends that I lived with Zora would lead to a number of questions that would prompt those traumatic memories, which was the main reason I'd kept it a secret.

However, I also knew I couldn't hide that I was living here forever. Inevitably, they would have to find out. Maybe it was better to rip off the bandage and tell Mai now, rather than make up some excuse for why my stuff was there and the room clearly occupied.

I took a deep breath, gesturing to the room where Mai was already standing. "Let's talk in my room for a sec."

My words furthered Mai's befuddlement. "Your room? Have you been sleeping here a lot?"

"I'll explain. Can you close the door behind us?"

Mai obliged and waited for me to speak as I sat down on the bed. "So...I live here."

Confusion was still written all over her face. Impatiently, I waited for her reaction, practically seeing the cogs turning in her head. All I got from her was a lost: "What? What do you mean you live here?"

Considering I'd yet to provide her with any context, it made sense that she had no clue how to react. I swallowed nervously, not looking forward to digging up the feelings associated with telling this story. But this was Mai, one of my closest friends, so I wanted her to know everything. I trusted her with the vulnerable side of me.

"Do you remember when I was grounded?" Her nod of confirmation prompted me to continue speaking. "I told you that my parents had been harsh toward me that week, but it was a little more than that. Long story short, my mom ended up finding out about my feelings for Zora. It caused a huge fight between us and she, uhm, slapped me and shoved me into a door."

Just talking about it seemed to summon a ghost of the pain I'd feel that day. Physically, but more than anything, emotionally.

Mai's eyebrows shot up, disgust coating her face. "What the fuck is wrong with her?"

I let out a dry chuckle. "A lot. I've told you about our less-than-stellar relationship before, but yeah, it's been shit for most of my life. From the moment she realized I was a disappointment compared to my brother, really. She's nearly disowned me multiple times in the past, but there was always something stopping her from kicking me out. My sexuality was just the last straw. She told me to get out, so I went to Zora's. I've been staying here ever since."

A mix of sympathy and shock was apparent in her eyes. "That's...Shit, that's horrible, Naya."

"It is. But I've been doing a lot better since I've been staying here. I can actually breathe here without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. Being able to exist without constantly being judged is a blessing."