My Very Own Winter Soldier.

Chapter 17

BUCKY

I am ready for Dr Raynor. I just hope she gives me the go-ahead to leave the cell.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Hope you are doing well." I get up to greet her when she walks through the door.

"Good afternoon, James. You are looking well." she greets back.

"Thank you, I am feeling much better than the last time I saw you."

"That's good to hear. Shall we start?" she says, sitting down.

Sitting down as well, I wait for her to start the session.

"Right, let us look at your exercises first." she says.

Handing her the exercise book, I sit back and wait while she reads it. She only stops when Kurt knocks on the door to deliver the tea. After he leaves, she continues reading.

"This is really good, James. I can see you put a lot of thought into it." she says once she finished reading it.

"Thank you, I think in order for any healing to take place, I have to be very honest with myself about what I feel." I say, meaning every word.

"Yes, that is the beginning of getting the old James back. Chelsey said you had a sparring session with Kurt?" she asks.

"Yes, that was really good. Not just the exercise, but getting out. The walls of the cell are starting to make me feel claustrophobic. I also had some time to get to know Kurt better. I like him. It's a pity I can't spend more time with him. I could be friends with a guy like him. He speaks my language, you know? He knows what it is like to be a soldier." I say, realizing the truth of my words.

"You were right when you said being alone with my thoughts can be the loneliest place on earth." I say, hoping she gets what I am saying between the lines.

"Are you still having nightmares?" Dr. Raynor asks.

Knowing that she would know I am lying, if I say no, I give her a version of the truth.

"It was better this week."

In a sense, I am not lying. The dreams of the people I killed were less this week, but now I sometimes see her face in their places, and that is a thousand times worse. Of course, there were a few nights where all of it was good. Dreaming of making sweet, passionate love to her, I slept through for the first time in two years.

"How did you feel while sparring with Kurt, any feelings of aggression?" she asks, bringing me back to the present again.

"No, I actually felt good afterward. It helped to get rid of the frustration of being cooped up the whole day. My mind tends to drift to places and people I don't want to think about when I am alone in my cell." I say, knowing she would assume I am thinking of my days as the Winter Soldier.

I think at this stage, I almost prefer my thoughts of murder and mayhem more than this constant ache I have for Chelsey.

"Well, James, do you think you are ready to leave this cell behind?" she says the words I was hoping to hear.

"I think I am, but only if you think I am." I answer carefully, not wanting her to feel she is being manipulated into making the decision.

"From what you have told me and from what I have read, I think you are. I think you should stay for now in the cell, but I will let Jonathan know you are free to move around inside the facility as you please. If all goes well this week, we can move you into the house after I have seen you next time. I will be attending a conference next week, so it gives you about a week and a half to adapt to having more freedom."