My Very Own Winter Soldier.

Chapter 13

Nerves and anxiety make it almost impossible for me to have a good night's sleep. At five a.m., I give up and get up. After I had a shower, I packed some more clothes. I was in such a hurry the last time that I packed the bare minimum. In no hurry to leave, I decide to make myself breakfast before I tackle the road ahead. I still don't know how I am going to deal with seeing him again. Like Nicole said, I need to own it. I am a big girl. So what if he makes me all hot and bothered. There are millions of women out there who aren't shy about the fact that they enjoy sex. It's not a crime, after all.

After cleaning the few dishes from breakfast, I have no more excuses to hang around my apartment. Making sure I have everything I head down to my car. The stuff I picked up for Sergeant Barnes is still in the boot of the car. I just need to add my small suitcase and I am ready to go. Last night, I phoned Steve to ask him to send me all he has on Sergeant Barnes. I used the excuse that I don't know how to help him with the psych exercises if I don't know what I am dealing with. It worked. So, on my way out of town, I am going to stop at SHIELD to pick up the file he promised he will have waiting for me at the security desk. As I am now working directly with Sergeant Barnes, Steve managed to get me clearance to see his file. Most of the information came out during his exoneration trial anyway, so strictly speaking, it isn't considered confidential anymore.

It took me half an hour to get to SHIELD's head office, and another ten minutes before I could start my trip back to the facility, Sergeant Barnes' file securely tucked away in my handbag. Tonight, when I have time, I will look at it, but first, I need to get through my first psych exercise with him.

In no hurry to get back to the facility, it takes me just under four hours to be back in front of the security gates. Well, there is no more turning back now. It's just after lunch, I may as well go bite the bullet and get this over with.

BUCKY

She wasn't at dinner the previous night and I hadn't seen her all day. The little coward ran away, apparently all the way to DC, according to Kurt.

For the first time in over two years, I did not have nightmares last night. My night, however, was filled with dreams of her, dreams of steaming hot, possessive sex. By the time I woke up, I had a boner from hell waiting for me.

The boner I can understand. I am a man who hasn't been with a woman in over a year and she is fucking hot. I was too busy staying under the radar while trying to figure out who I was, so sex wasn't on the forefront of my mind. What I don't understand is this primal need I feel to make her mine. It freaks the crap out of me. For fuck sakes, I don't even know her. I cannot even begin to think about her in terms of "Mine!"

Even if she is attracted to me sexually, she will never look at me in any other way. I am a killer. She is an innocent woman who deserves to be with a man who wouldn't wake her up every night with nightmares of the atrocities he committed. No, I need to stay as far away from her as I possibly can. I need to squash this unwelcome longing I have for her and squash it hard. What I need is a get a way of getting her out of my system.

When breakfast came and she was still MIA I had to be careful not to let Kurt see how disappointed I was. I lost the little bit of my appetite I had in the process. Most of my breakfast went back uneaten, again. By lunchtime, I had convinced myself that the loneliness I had been feeling the last two years finally caught up with me. That must be the source of this obsession with her that I have been feeling.

When Kurt brings my lunch and there is still no sign of Chelsey, I resign myself to the fact that I will not see her today. Maybe it is better this way. As it is, I am fucked-up. I can not still deal with a broken heart on top of everything else, and I have a feeling she could break my heart.