My Very Own Winter Soldier.

Chapter 23

One Year Later:

CHELSEY

That night and for the next three months, I cried myself to sleep. I knew losing him would be bad, I just didn't know how badly it would break my heart. I lost ten kilograms in the first two months after James left. Nicole was the only one who knew what really happened. She tried her best to cheer me up, but I just couldn't pull myself out of the hole. I fell into the day James left.

To make everything worse, I found out I was pregnant three months after he left. I thought it was the stress that made me late, but when I didn't have my period by the third month, I knew I had to go see a doctor. The last thing I expected to hear was that I was three months pregnant. We didn't use protection, but I was on the pill, so it should have been safe.

Instead of being freaked out, I found some peace in the thought that I would have a piece of James with me in our child. Only Nicole knew that I was pregnant. It helped me pull myself together. For the sake of our baby, I had to start looking after myself. Planning for our baby kept me busy during the day, but at night, the loneliness and the missing got to me. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach repeatedly.

Steve was away a lot, so we didn't visit as often as we used to. It helped in keeping my pregnancy a secret. I still did not know how I was going to explain my pregnancy to him without telling him the truth.

Four months after James left, I met Ruan. He literally saved my life. I was walking around looking at baby clothes when he bumped into me and spilled his coffee all over me. He insisted that I let him buy me a new shirt.

It turned out his sister was having a baby, and he wanted to get the little guy something, but he was clueless as to what. I offered to help him, and by the time we were finished, he insisted on taking me out for dinner to thank me. I had such a good time with him that for a whole two hours, I didn't once think about James. And thus our friendship started.

Ruan is a very good-looking man, but unfortunately gay. His parents didn't know and were forever trying to hook him up with the ladies. It was his idea that we pretended to be in a relationship. Nicole had enough of my moping around, so she started putting pressure on me to go out on a date. Pretending to be in a relationship with Ruan was the perfect solution for both our problems.

Besides, I loved spending time with him. I could talk to him about James openly. He never got tired of me crying on his shoulder, and he could be himself around me. He was worse than a mother hen. He made sure I ate enough for two people and loved pampering me.

When little Eddy James (EJ) came, he stood by me, encouraging me while putting everything on tape for me. He insisted that I should have a video of the birth.

Only Nicole knew he wasn't the father. Everybody else thought he was, and I didn't correct their assumption. We got along so well that when the house he was staying in was sold out from under him, I offered my spare bedroom to him until he could get another place.

That first three months after EJ was born was heaven and hell at the same time; heaven because I loved being his mother and hell because I missed James more than ever. I made peace with the fact that he didn't care enough about me to stay, but my heart was still in pieces, and I knew that it would never be completely whole again.

Some days, I dull the pain with anger at him for leaving me like he did. I know there was probably just the physical attraction from his side, but he could have at least explained to me why he left.

After EJ was born, he became my whole life. All the love I felt for James was transferred to his son. I had no interest in getting involved with a man again. I know it's pathetic. A year has gone by, and I am still as in love with James, as I was the day he left. He broke my heart, but most of all, he broke my trust. I thought he cared about me, but I must have been wrong.

Ruan moved in two months before EJ was born. It made me feel better about going into labor, knowing I would not be alone. Having him there at night after EJ was born was a godsend.

He is so good with EJ, and it made it easier to forget that my child will grow up without his father. That I will grow old alone. I am not the kind of woman who can marry for any other reason besides love. I would rather be alone than be in a loveless marriage, and James spoiled me for any other man.

Needless to say, the moment my life started to get some form of normalcy back, James had to walk back into it.