Bottom Of The Bridge ( Compilation of Proses )

xi.

I used to believe that you have to forgive just to release the pain. That the only thing that makes our world happy is forgiveness. That you must forgive someone and give them the chance to be with you again. To find peace and hope in your relationship. Not until I saw my father confessed about what he have done. I saw my mother's sad eyes. The way she look at me, the way she gave a smile despite of the pain that she felt. That day, I found another sibling from a different mother. That day became my biggest nightmare. I start to doubt my future, if I'm still capable of loving someone-and trusting them wholeheartedly. That pressure when you recall what people told you, that you have to forgive in order to feel relief. I thought of forgiving him and living with him and with his expectation.

As much as I thought that I already forgive him, as much as I felt the pain inside me. That hidden thorn inside me who slowly kills me. It breaks me and it feels like I can't walk without thinking about the past. I suddenly felt about hating the child that he has held with other woman. But, it wasn't his fault, he didn't know everything. Despite of the anger, I still gave him a smile that he deserves. I still became the sister he needs to have without any judgement. Until all of a sudden, I feel weak. It falls apart for the second time. Everything became clear to my mind. I never forgave my father, and I will never do it. I stilll has the pain he causes. I still feel the pain that I felt that day. And as time goes by, I learned that forgiveness is not for others, it's for myself. We should forgive not because we have to but because we want to. I should've known that early, I will be more happier now if I learned about that earlier.

And I will never forgive him. Because I became more peaceful when I don't.

Forgiveness
- by pinken