Bottom Of The Bridge ( Compilation of Proses )

xxii.

I am in vicious pain.
The moment I decided to only observe rather than doing what I think is right-that is where this pain came from.
Am I a hypocrite? Or just trying to fit in?

I don't want to talk, I just want to be me.
Yet whenever I felt like I can finally do whatever I want, I feel lonely.
Am I afraid to be different?
Am I even allowed to be different?

Why can't I complain? Why can't I tell them the wrongness of their action?
I mean, If I did say it, will they listen?

For all these years, I've been a thief of someone's life
Stealing their personality, adding it to mine and indirectly saying to anyone that I can fit in.
But no matter what I do, my heart still knows the path that I should've taken and it is always in a way where no one could be there.
How can I be happy knowing I am lonely?

No, I was wrong
I am in other's way
I am in a thorny path that only leads me to fear
I am always alone
Because I knew a long time ago that I was born to be alone, yet why do I keep placing myself on something that will never define who I am

Is fitting in matters if it only gives me pain?
Is knowing what's right and what's immorality wrong?
Why do I need someone to listen when I should've also listen to myself first?

If we are being honest here, I was a hypocrite and always a hypocrite.
Asking others to listen even though I knew that I never listen to myself either.
Keep on telling others to live their lives while I also keep living like theirs.

I am a coward, for being afraid to be different.

What's the point of being a part of a whole when I can be a whole myself?
What's the point of walking with others when I can walk by myself?
What's the point of having two feet when I always rode a car?

What's the point of being with 'them' when I can be with 'me'?

I am different, so what's the problem with that?

- untitled