Bottom Of The Bridge ( Compilation of Proses )

xxviii.

All of us are meant to gain misery in our lives; to be deprived of something, to want every single things we can take in, to choose a path where we can gain more than we bargained for.

But what would've come to me when I act like every single misery that I held in are just like an ash that can be swept away by the wind? Is this the redemption that the world had promised me? Or I just pretended that it redempts me?

I hold on into the candlestick that reminds me of my sins. I pretended that the beauty of a child's heart are something even if I knew that I shoved it away, the first moment I saw it. I hold onto the metallic smell that I can still sniff deep within my grasp yet I hid it within the brand new cabinets that I have always dreamt of.

In the pursuit of greater good, I threw all the agony I had away. Holding onto the good bishop's words. Living my life with the thoughts and posture of a saint while hiding like a sinner in a daisy may. But the more I have come to run away from the miserable past, the more the fate plays with this mournful and fragile heart.

Man always wanted redemption, and I am among the man that chases it. Yet my way to redempt myself is to be a dishonest person that I once am. What am I really? A sinner pretending to be a saint or a saint pretending to be a sinner?

- redemption of the sinner ( arrietta, 2024 )