Breathe ≫Rants/Life/Advice/Etc.

unexplored corners of my mind

okay, so just last night, I had my eighth grade formal dance or whatever, and honestly, I didn't have fun.

and I told my grandmother this the following day.

she replied with, "why did you not have fun?"

I couldn't answer her. Instead, I said, "I don't know, I just didn't."

she gave me a sigh and said, "if you'd actually go and be social with everybody, you might have a good time."

and that's when I really couldn't reply.

she just doesn't quite get it that i'm not comfortable with myself still.

I still very much dislike my body and the fact that I'm overweight with trust issues and have a very low self-esteem. It may be true that I exceed in academics and music and possibly even writing, but that doesn't help my confidence.

but isn't that how it is with so many people?

like we constantly crave the bones in our bodies to show and we just want to have a nice smile to show the world how grateful we are to be alive and free and beautiful and intelligent. We want to show off our satisfaction with our achievements and have positivity leak throughout our lives.

I don't like how I look in clothes and I feel like I'm constantly judged on how I dress or how I look or how I act and how I feel.

I want to look in the mirror and say "I love myself" because isn't that what we're all supposed to do? We're supposed to love ourself just as much as we love humanity, and take pride in being human and beautiful and alive. We're supposed to be motivated to do the most empowering things and have confidence from all our achievements.

god, what do I do??

what am I supposed to do?

how do I love myself? how do I take my own hand in a one-sided battle and ask for forgiveness when I know I cannot forgive myself?

how do I look myself in the eye and tell myself how wonderful I look; how god-like, how intriguing, and how devout?

and how do I motivate myself to do better of myself and of others? how do I love humanity as much as I love a specific person, as in a lover or a family member or a friend?

how do I make myself look presentable? how do I act like a lady, and how do I understand what it means to be respectable and kind and generous?

teach me what I do not know, make me understand what I've been taught.

I have once again forgotten the feeling of another being's touch on my own skin, and I felt uncomfortable and afraid, and I shied away from the sword.

he took my hand to a slow song and I was tired and in pain and sweating. he took my hand and he urged me to put mine on his shoulder.

"dance," he urged, "please dance with me."

dance.

dance.

dance.

how do I dance? how do I look him in the eyes and tell him that I cannot dance, that I cannot do such a thing like dance with him to such a beautiful, slow song?

I loved him. I loved him.

after all this time, after all that grief, I still want to believe that I love him.

what a selfish thing to do.

and so he took my other hand and placed it on his shoulder. I couldn't breathe.

he put his hand on my waist, and I freaked out completely.

don't ever touch me, I wanted to scream, please, god, don't touch me where I am diseased. 

am I diseased?

perhaps I am just cursed?

he was so confused, and he asked what was wrong.

"why won't you dance with me, Danielle? do I scare you? Is it because I am not what you expected me to be?"

I felt awful. how could I not dance with him, though? this was all I had ever wanted.

"forgive me," I repeat to myself.

forgive me?

forgive yourself, Danielle.

forgive yourself so that others may have a chance to forgive you too.

don't touch me. god, please do not touch me where I am diseased.

teach me how to be kind and generous,

respectable and godly-like.

make me understand what is taught!

I am so tired of feeling this way!

how dare you let me struggle like this? how dare you make me hurt? how dare you force me to handle my contradictions like they are merely another choice in my life?

I needed a future — when all you have given me is a past!

in conclusion, I do not believe that I have ever truly wanted to die. I just want to change my life. I want to change my habits and my body and my language and my perspective on things. I dream of making people happy, and seeing the happiness in everything around me.

look at the sky,

the sun is shining, oh god, look how it shines for you.

look at the moon.

look at the stars.

look at all this beauty —

it's beautiful, just like you.

and so I'll train my eyes to spot the beauty in an unlikely situation,

and I'll speak when someone compliments me.

I'll smile when I think of beautiful things,

or beautiful people,

or beautiful everything.

and one I'll regret not dancing with him.

I'll regret the day I screamed and walked away and got all flustered because I don't like the feeling of someone else touching the same body that even I have grown to hate.

tired.

tired.

tired.

I'm getting so tired of not understanding what life means to me.

confusion.

confusion.

confusion.

will someone please teach me what it means to know something?

exhausted.

exhausted.

exhausted.

maybe one day I'll know what it's like to be energized and self-motivated to do some of the greatest things.

"unloveable," I repeat, because that's all I've been taught how to say.