the truth comes out...

149 14 7

by hyuniebees

by hyuniebees

You guys, truthfully, I've been holding back my real weight number for some time now. Like, from everyone that I've ever known (friend wise).

I've always felt like I'd be judged by what I really weigh, especially since all my friends, irl and online, are all skinnier than I am, and I just feel like they'd never accept me for the person I was forced to be.

I mean, yeah, I suppose it's always nice to hear "Oh, but you're still so beautiful," like, okay, so sometimes I can have a pretty face, but pretty faces do not define the person you are, and what others will see.

As a lot of you know, I've always been the girl to wear oversized sweatshirts over different t-shirts, and that's something I've had to keep with me since the fifth grade. It's not that I don't like wearing other things, it's just that I don't look good in different outfits, and I just wish other people could understand exactly what I'm going through.

This sounds so conceited, that I'm "going through something so drastic" and I'm "being over dramatic", but it makes me feel like the odd one out when I'm the biggest girl out of all of your friends, even my guy friends.

I know how we all dream of meeting our Internet friends in real life, like, just going to meet them somewhere and hug them without interruption and to be so happy and cry and hold that moment close...

For example, not too long ago, I tried to go and meet Jaesa in Texas...

but I stopped, had my mom turn around.

I couldn't deal with rejection again. I panicked. I'm sorry for that, Jaesa.

I felt as if I would see you and you'd be so disappointed to see the person behind the screen. If I were to hug you, I'd swallow you whole or something, and quite frankly, I could hold myself responsible for feeling like such a shame to you or anyone else.

All of you, any of you, please stop thinking that you're too fat. Out of all the people that I hold very close to my heart, you're not fat. You're so incredibly skinny and it makes my heart hurt to know that I'm not there to make sure that you see the beauty in yourselves.

"You can't love someone unless you love yourself first"

BULLSHIT.

I have NEVER loved myself.

Oh God, but I loved YOU. I loved ALL OF YOU.

Sometimes I believe I forget what hating myself feels like...

But at times, the feeling comes back. I'm not unconcious anymore. There's a concious flame burning in my chest and it makes me uneasy and helpless and I feel like the such a dishonor to my family, to my friends, to the people who have tried so hard to help me achieve.

I've made up so many numbers in the past year, to make myself not seem so fat.

But I am, I am overweight.

And never in my life have I ever apologized so much for something.

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying to lose weight...

I promise that I am...

Please, please don't push me under, please don't reject me again. I've been rejected so much lately, it feels like I've been swimming in denial.

I'm really sorry.

I hope that there will someone -- anyone -- who can hopefully look past this and still accept me as a person, and not an animal.

Sorry again.

I've always known I was never truly welcomed on this Earth.