Breathe ≫Rants/Life/Advice/Etc.

abyss

I have a few things to say, and although not a lot of you will necessarily care, I felt the need to let it out. I mean, this is a rant book, right?

Okay, honestly, I don't know what's going on. Like, with myself. I'm losing it. It's so hard to not give up and just say "that's it, you're insane, you're psychotic, someone needs to send you to the nuthouse"
but, in reality, I'm normal, right? I'm a living, breathing, walking, functioning human being in cold skin and, perhaps, without a soul to keep tight to.

Do I seem happy? Has my smile yet to fade?

Am I happy? Am I smiling? Really, am I?

my birthday's coming up. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'll be 14.

I can't do it. I don't wanna make it to fourteen, don't you understand? I can't.
I'll hate myself. I'll hate the way I write and how I talk and how I cry and how I breathe. My lungs feel like anchors. I'm sinking; lower, lower, deeper.

It literally feels like someone took a shovel and dug into my chest -- dug deeper and deeper until no dirt was left. Is there nothing? Do I carry empty space in my body?

how do you even love yourself? What's the definition? Can you give examples? What's it feel like to enjoy your own company?

Sometimes, in order to feel better, I compliment someone else. It helps sometimes, other times, it does not.

but, don't you see? Society has abused and tortured us, brainwashed us into imagining a place and imagining people that beat the purpose of individuality and uniqueness. Are we all the same? Every last one of us -- are we all the same?

do you hate yourself?
is there dead weight bringing you down?

I miss you
I love you
I enjoy your company

and if you think the same as I do, and if you feel the same way I do...are we the same person then?
we're living, breathing, walking, talking disfunction -- some referred to as burdens from birth.

but if you hate yourself and people around you seem to love you...

where am I?
I'm lost
why is it so dark?

I'm slipping
and what if I fall?

perhaps a broken neck will feel better than this reality