Breathe ≫Rants/Life/Advice/Etc.

//sigh

what the actual hell am I supposed to do?

I've kind of- disappeared from everyone's lives and I don't really know why.

but it's okay.

I'm okay.

everything it's just great, actually.

yes, because at the moment, I'm just debating things in my head, and I have so much to do, in such little time, and I get very exhausted of all of this.

but the thing is...

god, the thing is...

my boyfriend and I haven't been fighting a lot, not at all, actually, but...it's so hard to explain...

I just don't want to hurt him, okay?

I really fucking love him, like, not puppy love, but you get the point.

and it's not so much that I don't ever want to see him again, because quite frankly, I think I'd go insane. But it is he simple fact that I do not want to injury him, like, emotionally.

we're young and stupid, a bit reckless at times...and I'm just afraid, really.

I have a really deep emotion for this person, but like- not love or anything, just- a bit more than a friendly feeling, you know?

It's not a guy...and I can't exactly bare that.

It's weird...liking her...because we don't ever talk to one another anymore, and it's like we've just- not existed in each other's lives.

I guess, if you really want to know, my inbox is always open...

and I seriously like Brody, don't get me wrong...and I would never date this girl or anything, so, no problem there

it's just

I don't want to end our relationship...

it's going on 6 months...

but I really don't want to keep him waiting any longer...

we haven't kissed,

fuck, we haven't even held hands yet...

I don't know how to love a guy,

or be in a relationship

this is like

my first boyfriend

and it's so fucking serious

okay

like

he doesn't care about how I look,

or what I wear,

what I sound like,

or even that I have terrible fucking handwriting and can't sing or dance and I kinda suck at the flute tbh, and he still laughs when I make fun of him (in a joking way), and he likes to hug me, even though I can't, and he really likes me and I really like him, and god, I'm all over the place.

and quite truthfully, my body type is awful.

I have not-so-small hands and my face is weird and I look stupid every time that I'm around people, and oh my god, I fucking wear a jacket 24/7 because it's like a security blanket, and I really fucking hate myself right now, and I don't know what the fuck to do.

because I can't fucking change myself.

I have one friend who is incredibly gorgeous and has that kind of 'I don't give a fuck' attitude and she admits to being overweight and she knows she isn't the one for sports or compliments or any of that, but yet, she doesn't realize the good qualities she has. 

everyone has small hands...but fucking me.

ugh, I'm never holding a guy's hand...ever...

Like, honestly, I hate showing my hands in general.

and i'm never getting married, so rings are out of the question

and I'm probably never kissing anyone bc i'm so inexperienced and I suck at everything smh

and I will probably die a virgin, which is just wonderful

ugh

how is it possible for someone to hate themselves this much?

and I don't want to break up with him bc I have really strong feelings for him, but I don't want him to wait for something he wants so badly (I also do too, but I'm too shy to do it)

please give me some advice

or something

please

just

stop ignoring me

I know I suck

just please

just this once

you can back to hating me,

you know,

to where I don't exist

and then it'll all be good, okay?

fucking please