Breathe ≫Rants/Life/Advice/Etc.

things on my mind

Hey, guys...

So it's been a little while since I last wrote in this book.

It feels weird. Everything feels weird now.

It's been about two and half weeks since Brody and I broke up.

I'm still really sad about it.

You know he still wanted to be friends with me? Haha, I was stupid enough to agree.

So he talks to me...everyday. 

and then I am reminded how he broke my heart...every.day.

It's cool, I guess, still being in touch with him, but I don't enjoy life like this.

*sigh*

Not only that, but I miss my old life.

Like, not all good things happened in my old life, though.

I was listening to older songs yesterday, and then I was reminded of some of those bad things. But I miss my mom and my step siblings, and I miss having someone to talk to.

I just don't have any of that here. I'm the only child here. Lonely. I feel useless.

I'm just starting to write again, thought I could do some good for myself by getting back on here from time to time.

Was I wrong? 

Fifteen Degrees sucks.

I want to write novels again.

Perhaps I can start back on Skinny Love?

But I want a clean slate.

I just want to start over.

Is that so much to ask for?

God.

Life really sucks.

It's funny,

because life literally sucks ass,

and then you die.

I'm so grateful for the people I hold close to my heart. Honestly, like:

For one, I have Madison. Having a bad day? After first period, Madison usually has gotten me to smile and laugh.

I have Destiny and Lauren and (as much as I'd like to not say) Brody and Celtia and people from band class and an assortment of people on the Internet who have made my life worth living.

And I do not say that lightly.

No.

If I didn't have Madison or Destiny or Celtia or Jaesa or Piper or Faith or anyone that I have now -- I might as well be writing this from my grave. I would've given up so long ago. I would've given up after my first real touch with reality, my first interaction with the worst of childhood, my first heartbreak, everything.

I just keep so many secrets nowadays, I feel as if I should just distance myself from the closest people to keep them from not getting so curious.

I'm sorry for that. I really love you guys. You guys are the stars in my universe, so to say. I care about you. If you need anything, if you want to ask for anything -- advice, help, assistance -- it doesn't matter. I don't care what time it is. If it's at three o'clock in the morning or seven o'clock at night, I'm always here.

There's been a lot on my mind lately (as you can see), and I'm sorry to say that suicide does appear on that list.

Just know that my small, unexpected absences aren't because you've done something wrong or because I hate this place, but because I need to take a moment to breathe.

How is everyone doing? I imagine everyone's okay, because no one really seems to contact me anymore.

Haha, I can't tell if it's because I'm a bad friend or because you're actually happy with yourself, which, might I add, is an incredibly good thing.

I just -- miss this place. I miss myself. I miss everyone and everything that I've grown so close to.

My grades are really good this year...I'm hoping for really good high school classes for next year. Maybe even marching band, but I'm not sure. Ha, I might be able to lose weight with marching band actually. I desperately need to lose like thirty or forty pounds. Maybe even fifty to sixty. God I'm fat, omg.

But yeah, my life right now in a small, not-so-organized page or so.

I'm probably going to start looking into a novel idea pretty soon...so I would appreciate some support or help with that, if you could.

I love you guys...a lot. I hope you're all okay.

xx